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With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?

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No, I don't think so. I think the longer the estrangement goes on, the likelier it is to continue going on because a big gap has now been created between you.

You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.

Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.

You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.

Best of luck.
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Hothouseflower 14 hours ago
Well said.

I don’t plan on having a relationship with mine when my father is finally gone. I realize that I don’t need or want my sisters in my life anymore. It’s too toxic.
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My siblings were little help to me, one mostly not interested and one making more issues than help. I spent some time being resentful, until I wised up to understanding that was only poison to me and didn’t affect them a bit. Anger was much the same. Ultimately, acceptance was the best thing I could give myself, to stop expecting either of them to be anything other than who they are. They weren’t and still aren’t changing, just as your sister aren’t. Now that our parents are gone, we are cordial, friendly enough, and just okay, but certainly not close. I don’t blame the years of our parents health decline for the poor relationships, we simply aren’t close. As for what’s possible for your family, don’t rule anything out, be open to acceptance and forgiveness, and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly rewarded. I wish you peace
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I didn't read others post yet, not sure if this is a repeat of what's said.

My mom's still alive, we will all do the pretending BS we do if we have to see each other.

I am so over all of that, and them , the one thing that when mom dies, that will make me happy is I won't have to see them anymore.

Brothers were raised that men are better than women, I want nothing to do with that or them, not now not ever again. I may have something to do with my older brother because he is alone in life, he will need things occasionally if his is sick or what not but him and me couldn't be more different so it will be very limited.

My sister doesn't help at all I'm so over that, no anger here, not worth it , the anger only hurts me, not her. But her as a person, I just don't trust her, she becomes whatever the person she is talking to believes. I like honesty, not fake.

So sure they are related by blood but honestly if we weren't, would I even like the people they are, NO

So I've accepted the fact that I want them out of my life and try to pretend I was switched at birth.

I honestly can say I'm at peace with that. This didn't happen because of caregiving, it happened because caregiving brought us together, and showed me that I honestly have ZERO in common with them, and they are not people id ever befriend if we were at a party together. They would be on the list of people I advoid at a party.

Try to get over your anger, it's very unhealthy, the only person it hurts is you.

Best of luck
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Anxietynacy Nov 16, 2024
Something on Instagram I read once said, I choose to get therapy, get help, family chose not to, and I became the bad guy in the family.

Something in those words. Which is exactly what happened to me.
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Whether you forgive OR forget is up to you. Some things are unforgivable. And sometimes we’re better off NOT forgiving people we don’t like anyway. Why make the effort with unlikeable (to us) people? No reason to put them back in our lives. There are plenty of likeable folks in the world. It’s up to us to find them.
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Sorry to tell you , but in my case the answer is NO , most of my family did not reunite .

I was CHOSEN by my mother to be the caregiver for my parents . The rift between myself and siblings started before the caregiving even started , due to my parents moving near me ( in their late 70’s) and leaving siblings behind in another state .

My parents followed soon after I had moved . Siblings felt my parents chose me over them in general . The fact was my mother groomed me from an early age to be their caregiver . She admitted she followed me so I could care for them .

I have accepted that it is what it is . Do I miss having more family ? Sometimes . Then I remember how I was treated by some of them because my parents decided to move near me . I can’t change what they believe .

Every family is different and each caregiving scenario is different . It’s up to you if you can get over being ignored . Personally for me , I know I’m better off .
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I think it is sad that you made these decisions for yourself, as an adult, yet feel you should make your sisters decisions FOR THEM as well. To be honest that is neither right nor fare.
I myself would not do hands on caregiving.
I think that you have far too many judgements about the sister's choices for themselves, and they are likely well aware of them (actually if you haven't been so honest as to speak to them that ALSO isn't right). I doubt there will be a whole lot of healing and communication.
People, even siblings, move, get on with their own lives and their own families, and sometimes meet for the "proverbial feast day" because it is somewhat an obligation.

If you would like after holidays to speak with your sisters why not reach out to them and ask if you can.
I would say something to this effect:
"I am well aware that I took on this caregiving role by choice; sometimes I can't even think WHY I did. I know you have a right to your own choices. Could you share with me why you aren't more active in helping me manage any of it? Is this about your relationship with our parents, or me, or just busy lives that don't really include them, us? Is there any way you would be willing to help at all with a little respite, some grocery shopping, an appointment? Anything? It would mean so much to me. Do feel free, after discussing this, to tell me no, but I hope you will also tell me WHY, so that I know".

That's it. A bit of honesty. The truth is that they may not much like their parents, or feel that they were GOOD parents. The other side to that coin is they simply don't CARE about any of you at all. If that's the case, why would you want a relationship with them going forward.

Blood may be thicker than water, and a bit more colorful, but it doesn't count for much other than that. It's just genes. Nothing else.
Good luck. Sorry. Have as good Holidays as you can.
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Peekie1928 11 hours ago
If you have never done "hands on care giving", then you have no right to judge those of us who do.

By the way, fare is actually spelled "fair" .

You stand on your soap box often, judging and being cruel to people on this forum. From your stand point of managing care from a distance.

Take a seat ALVA DEER.
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There is always one. Me...the oldest and a girl. I had two brothers one 7 hrs away the other 30 min. away. Because I was the one who stayed in the same town my parents relied on me. My Mom was a strong woman and did not ask much of me. She did well till Denentia. After a hospital stay, I had to bring her to my house. She was with me for 20 months. I found I was not a Caregiver. I placed her in an AL just up the street. Saw her everyday even if for only 15 min. My brother 7 hrs away saw her once from Aug 2016 to her death in 2017. My other brother maybe once too. The sad part, she was a good Mom. She deserved more. But I told myself back then that this is something my brothers will have to deal with not me when she dies. I refused to be mad at them and I think this helped. I did enough. I do not allow myself any guilt because I was there. I believe in what goes around comes around. Sometime before they die, they will know what it feels like to be abandoned. I know that as the oldest and now 75, I will be no caring for them.
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You don’t get to dictate how others live their lives. You may not like their choices but quite frankly your opinion doesn’t matter here. If caring for your parents is too much then stop. Or do just what you can and that is it. Don’t be angry at them for living a life different than yours.
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mom2mepil 10 hours ago
I disagree with the statement, “Your opinion does not matter here.” It certainly DOES matter when MamaBearlyThere considers what her future relationship with her sisters will be like. Just like her sisters are free to choose not to participate in caregiving, MamaBearlyThere is free to choose whether or not to invest her energy in creating closer relationships. For me, I wholeheartedly agree that every adult is free to choose whether to give care or not (and how much), AND I am also free to factor my family members’ choices into how close I want to be with them in the future. I cannot control others’ choices (and don’t want to), but I can DEFINITELY control my own choices. While I have learned to release resentment (mostly), I have new understanding about what makes a relationship healthy for me and what does not.
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When people show you who they are, believe them. Being angry that a loved one is a slightly different person that you previously believed/hoped they were is hard to work through to acceptance. Acceptance of the new knowledge can lead to better boundaries. No sibling/person can be all things we need in all situations. That understanding may help you heal and work towards a relationship with them that is mature and with healthy boundaries. Humans are imperfect creatures and so how we are able to love one another is highly imperfect. For me, knowing how some family members struggle to even call or check in because it hurts them to know how MILWD and FILWD is hard for me. I sometimes want to yell, “Put on your big girl pants and step up. This disease is soooo much harder for them than us.” But….people have different strengths and handling emotional pain might not be one of theirs. They will either be able to put another’s needs ahead of this pain or not. It is an immature view of love to think love is not wrapped with pain, too. May you and your loved ones find a new normal in your relationships and find understanding of each other this holiday season. May you be able to shed your anger in the future.
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EllaVaughan 7 hours ago
This is one of the most helpful things I’ve ever read for my family situation. Thank you.
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Honest answer is I don't think so and in my case (mom is still here) I really never had a good relationship with my sisters except when I was younger and they could boss me around! I am the youngest of three girls and yes I manage our Mom's care by choice. They definitely couldn't handle it! You need to be proud of what you're doing and if you're not then don't do it caregiving whether a parent is at home or in a facility is hard and not for the faint of heart! But we do it anyway. Those who choose not to have to deal with that on their own. You should be worrying only about you and your family then your parents. Do what you can, not what you think you should be doing, because at the end of the day that's all any of us can do.
Be at peace with your sisters. Not all siblings hang out and are close. and that is ok. If I'm being honest here, I used to think my family was perfect. Then my Dad got sick and passed and I saw how we sort of fell apart and became distant. Then Mom got sick during Covid and that was it and has been it ever since. We all have our own families and things to deal with. We see each other now and again and we are cordial but that is all and that is fine.
Don't get me wrong though it took me a few years to get to this place of peace. Just go back and read my first post. Give yourself grace and time because it does heal all wounds. As for whether or not my relationship will change with my sisters after Moms passed on, I don't think so. I will see them less I am sure and I'm ok with that. Life is too short to hold grudges and be angry. As others here have said it only hurts you.

best of luck to you!
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