Do caregivers forgive and forget?
With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?
26 Answers
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You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.
Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.
You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.
Best of luck.
I don’t plan on having a relationship with mine when my father is finally gone. I realize that I don’t need or want my sisters in my life anymore. It’s too toxic.
I myself would not do hands on caregiving.
I think that you have far too many judgements about the sister's choices for themselves, and they are likely well aware of them (actually if you haven't been so honest as to speak to them that ALSO isn't right). I doubt there will be a whole lot of healing and communication.
People, even siblings, move, get on with their own lives and their own families, and sometimes meet for the "proverbial feast day" because it is somewhat an obligation.
If you would like after holidays to speak with your sisters why not reach out to them and ask if you can.
I would say something to this effect:
"I am well aware that I took on this caregiving role by choice; sometimes I can't even think WHY I did. I know you have a right to your own choices. Could you share with me why you aren't more active in helping me manage any of it? Is this about your relationship with our parents, or me, or just busy lives that don't really include them, us? Is there any way you would be willing to help at all with a little respite, some grocery shopping, an appointment? Anything? It would mean so much to me. Do feel free, after discussing this, to tell me no, but I hope you will also tell me WHY, so that I know".
That's it. A bit of honesty. The truth is that they may not much like their parents, or feel that they were GOOD parents. The other side to that coin is they simply don't CARE about any of you at all. If that's the case, why would you want a relationship with them going forward.
Blood may be thicker than water, and a bit more colorful, but it doesn't count for much other than that. It's just genes. Nothing else.
Good luck. Sorry. Have as good Holidays as you can.
By the way, fare is actually spelled "fair" .
You stand on your soap box often, judging and being cruel to people on this forum. From your stand point of managing care from a distance.
Take a seat ALVA DEER.
I was CHOSEN by my mother to be the caregiver for my parents . The rift between myself and siblings started before the caregiving even started , due to my parents moving near me ( in their late 70’s) and leaving siblings behind in another state .
My parents followed soon after I had moved . Siblings felt my parents chose me over them in general . The fact was my mother groomed me from an early age to be their caregiver . She admitted she followed me so I could care for them .
I have accepted that it is what it is . Do I miss having more family ? Sometimes . Then I remember how I was treated by some of them because my parents decided to move near me . I can’t change what they believe .
Every family is different and each caregiving scenario is different . It’s up to you if you can get over being ignored . Personally for me , I know I’m better off .
My mom's still alive, we will all do the pretending BS we do if we have to see each other.
I am so over all of that, and them , the one thing that when mom dies, that will make me happy is I won't have to see them anymore.
Brothers were raised that men are better than women, I want nothing to do with that or them, not now not ever again. I may have something to do with my older brother because he is alone in life, he will need things occasionally if his is sick or what not but him and me couldn't be more different so it will be very limited.
My sister doesn't help at all I'm so over that, no anger here, not worth it , the anger only hurts me, not her. But her as a person, I just don't trust her, she becomes whatever the person she is talking to believes. I like honesty, not fake.
So sure they are related by blood but honestly if we weren't, would I even like the people they are, NO
So I've accepted the fact that I want them out of my life and try to pretend I was switched at birth.
I honestly can say I'm at peace with that. This didn't happen because of caregiving, it happened because caregiving brought us together, and showed me that I honestly have ZERO in common with them, and they are not people id ever befriend if we were at a party together. They would be on the list of people I advoid at a party.
Try to get over your anger, it's very unhealthy, the only person it hurts is you.
Best of luck
Something in those words. Which is exactly what happened to me.
I'm sad for the loss of the relationship with my sister which was for many decades very close.
I got a strong message from Mom post-death to work on forgiveness. I'm working on forgiveness now.
I think we will have a distant, surface relationship going forward.
My relationship with my sister will never be what it was. I was subjected to a lot of extreme irrational anger and rage over the 6 year period due to the unmedicated mental illness and I'm not going to put myself in close position in which I am threatened again.
Guess just depends on you end of the day.
Some will some won't. But try at least you can have a clear mind/heart about it.
First hand experience!
I'm surprised you are planning to see them for the holidays. It doesn't sound like it will be very pleasant.
Be at peace with your sisters. Not all siblings hang out and are close. and that is ok. If I'm being honest here, I used to think my family was perfect. Then my Dad got sick and passed and I saw how we sort of fell apart and became distant. Then Mom got sick during Covid and that was it and has been it ever since. We all have our own families and things to deal with. We see each other now and again and we are cordial but that is all and that is fine.
Don't get me wrong though it took me a few years to get to this place of peace. Just go back and read my first post. Give yourself grace and time because it does heal all wounds. As for whether or not my relationship will change with my sisters after Moms passed on, I don't think so. I will see them less I am sure and I'm ok with that. Life is too short to hold grudges and be angry. As others here have said it only hurts you.
best of luck to you!
I have asked God to forgive me for the resentment I felt towards them and I no longer have it, but I no longer reach out to them anymore since they don’t me.
I have not seen, nor spoken to my YS or YB in over a year. I have no plans to see them at the holidays or actually, ever. I talk to the other YB when I call HIM and my OS, same thing. She doesn't initiate.
My YS's son is getting married in Dec. we were invited to get them a gift, but were not invited to the wedding nor the reception. (I believe that's called an 'unvite').
To be the bigger person, I did send my nephew a nice chunk of change and wished him well.
We aren't mad at each other, rather, we're sick of each other. So much drama and role playing when mom was alive. YB had her living with his family in a separate apartment. 48 hrs after she passed, he had completely emptied her apartment down to the walls. He threw away EVERYTHING. Saved a few items that mom had specified for certain people.
I know mom is sad that this has happened, but I can't change it. I think my YB had a LOT of anger towards mom and has not worked through it.
I imagine I will see them at funerals and maybe a wedding or two, but the family bond we once had is totally gone. I don't think we're unusual in that.
You say that your sisters do not offer to help, do not ask if you or mom and dad need anything, or call just to check in on you.
Have YOU called THEM? To ask for help? To tell them what you need? Or just to check in on them?
Don't resent them for their lack of involvement only because you have chosen to be overly involved. You have taken on the burden of taking care of your parents.
Give only what you feel compelled to give for your parents. No one; not you, your patient husband, or your siblings need to do more.
And the resentment? It is unlikely to change. Unless your attitude about it changes. Let your sisters know what you want from them. Don't expect them to know or ask. And, if they are unwilling to give what you want or to care about your needs or your parents needs, go ahead and feel hurt! Be resentful! Be angry! Your feelings are valid! Having those feelings is only hurting you. But you are entitled to them. Don't expect any of that to change after your parents passing. It will likely bring out stronger emotions and more hurt. Try and heal before then.
I just wish that I would have had the diamonds to get drunk and told all of them to kiss where the sun don't shine and went on about my business. 😂 However, I was raised with the good daughter syndrome. I would have felt guilty and probably would have done something to sabotage my life. Wait a minute, I did. I married my second ex.
Yeah, I'm still mad almost forty years later. I'm still carrying that anger.
you know theres a cliche that says - holding onto resentment and grudges only hurts ourselves - drains our vital energy and keeps us from allowing positive into our lives, as we live holding onto the past and its hurts. It is actually true! Think about your suffering and how it doesnt seem to ever go away.
You need to release it. It doesnt mean you accept it. It means you say I forgive you and i release the hurt i carry. It has no more power over me. Also forgive yourself of past mistakes. They do not define you. You are carrying too much negative energy. It can only hurt you. Positive energy has the power to transform your mental and emotional state, and I think you will find when you allow this you will heal. Put the past to rest and move forward. To wait until the curtains come down on your parents is just loosing valuable time. Life is short - remember that. End of day if you lost any one of your family and thought about past situations would this matter - i think you'd prob say no and you want them back. Dont lose valuable time - life really is short. Mistakes are made - people are selfish - dont let it define you its done. You may need in future to establish clear boundaries with your family - what you will and wont accept. So maybe the future is to concentrate on your rights as well. If you feel it would help maybe to sit down with each and say i feel hurt that you didnt support me and i felt alone. Maybe releasing your feelings ina constructive way may help. I wish you best and hope you put the past into a box sealed so that you become free to enjoy life some more. Best.
Do you reach out to your sisters and say "Mom and dad need____________" (you fill in the blank) OR if you need help have you called or sent a group text and said "I have a doctor's appointment next week and mom would love to get her hair done can someone take mom to get her hair done?"
Many people say the would help but they just don't know exactly what to do. If you give a specific task the response might be different. And knowing there is a start and end to the task makes it easier to say yes to.
Now down to nitty gritty.
You can not expect others to change. You can change how you feel about the situation by changing your expectations.
If you expect no help from them then they have fulfilled your expectations. And if by some miracle they do help out then they have exceeded your expectations.
you ask if caregivers forgive and forget....
Let's get to the Forgive part. Nothing says you have to forget but you can't hold it against someone forever.
By not forgiving someone it does NOTHING to them what it does is hurt YOU.
You are the one that has this hurt building up each day. They go about their business and they are oblivious as to what you are feeling.
So do you want to live with hurt, resentment, anger or do you want to move on? The only one that can decide that is you.