I frequently see this mentioned, the fact that caregiving is hard on us middle aged and older people. One specific thing I struggle with is the early morning appointments. So many times in the last few months we've needed to see a dr that is an hour plus drive away, and can't get any appointments other than morning! My body rebels against waking up and being in rush mode to get to elder's house, load her in the car, make the drive and hope for good traffic and weather. I've been watching the tropical system in the Gulf all week in regards to the drive I must make tomorrow morning. I think we will be ok on that at least. Or there was the day of her heart surgery. I was up at 4 am to help her shower (at the hotel room we'd had to get) and be at the hospital at 5 am. The many times the care requires early mornings, sleep disruption, and long days sitting in hospitals .... it's all just wearing on me.
And two weeks ago I got the reminder that I really can never be tasked with care of a bedridden person. I'd spent several hours in an uncomfortable ER chair with elder. She was sent home. I came home, reached under my kitchen cabinet to get a bottle of cleaner to wipe off my Hospital -germy phone, stood up too fast, and back went OUT. On the floor, needed help getting up, etc. My back does this every few years. The last time it happened was a few months after my father's death, when I had been under so much stress and spent so many hours sitting at the hospitals with him.
Anyway, am I the only one who just can't stand the early morning appointments, and the lack of control over making the times more convenient?
I feel your pain. You are tired. And your body remembers from the previous caregiving that this is not a picnic.
I realized years later, I should have hired a driver for my second caregiving gig. Find one who is reasonable, pleasant and experienced with driving in your destination city.
At only an hour away there should be many who make that trip often in your area. Someone from the neighborhood, a niece or recent retiree who could use a few bucks. There may even be a service in your area. you might find someone in Care.com for these special trips. It’s good to have a back up even for local appointments.
You are needed as an advocate but not as a driver in heavy traffic followed by long appointments. Your SM will get better care if you pace yourself over the years so you can continue to advocate for her. That’s your role, not the heavy lifting. Good for her that she has a housekeeper and an aide.
Now she needs a driver. Small price to pay for excellent heart care.
What I did for later appointments was explain to the appointment desk that I needed the next appointment at my preferred time. In my case I needed it then because I was scheduling multi appointments on the same day and I had a 3 hour drive one way. I started with the most important appointment and then fit the others around it. If they say for you to come back in two weeks you say “Why?” If it can be done over the phone arrange that.
Just ask for the next appointment at 1 p.m or whatever time you are looking for. Some doctors only have clinic for a few 1/2 days because they are in surgery or teach etc. But ask for what you want before just accepting what they give you. Sometimes the stars do align.
And when you are in a waiting room, walk or stand a bit. Maybe do breathing exercises. Just make sure you aren’t tense. Release the tension.
If your SM has traditional medicare, she may be eligible for home health care. IF she has Advantage you will need to check.
This is so much help for the caregiver. When she needs blood work or X-rays, UTI test, wound care, etc these can often be done in her own home. They monitor the meds, order her pt when needed and a bathing aide when needed. You tell her doctor she needs help as a home bound elder. Home bound doesn’t mean she can’t go out. It means it is difficult to take her out. Don’t present yourself as a hands on caregiver, more a care manager.
I had a home health I preferred to use and I gave them the doctor’s numbers to call to get the orders faxed over etc. If you call a home health company they can probably tell you over the phone if they think SM would qualify at this point. She may have had home health with her previous issues after getting out of the hospital. If you liked that one give them a call to discuss possibilities. This is for intermittent skilled nursing covered by Part B. Usually the care from home health after a hodpitsl stay is covered by Part A.
Please don’t let SM tell them you are going to take care of her. You need the help even if she thinks she doesn’t.
My DH had an ablation in 2019. Had to have a second one which is not uncommon. Since then he has had zero problems with his heart. He gets his blood work and the doctor’s office lets him know over the portal if he needs any follow-up which are usually over the phone. So some heart issues are managed easier than other chronic issues like diabetes. I hope hers is one and done. My mom had CHF, not so easy for her to manage.
SM is getting the best of care it sounds to me. Just make sure you do too.
Be picky about why she is going to the doc in the first place.
Her hygiene routines may have to be sacrificed or trunkated.
Have her hire aids, consider a facility.
Is hospice an option?
Consider court-assigned guardianship and be done with the hands-on part.
It's not that there aren't solutions. It's that you seem to be having a hard time accepting the solution options that are available. So don't think you need to continue to be a martyr. Are you going to allow yourself to become a trainwreck so that your kids will be burdened (emotionally and/or literally) with your care?
What good will it do if you burnout mentally, emotionally and physically? Everyone loses.