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I frequently see this mentioned, the fact that caregiving is hard on us middle aged and older people. One specific thing I struggle with is the early morning appointments. So many times in the last few months we've needed to see a dr that is an hour plus drive away, and can't get any appointments other than morning! My body rebels against waking up and being in rush mode to get to elder's house, load her in the car, make the drive and hope for good traffic and weather. I've been watching the tropical system in the Gulf all week in regards to the drive I must make tomorrow morning. I think we will be ok on that at least. Or there was the day of her heart surgery. I was up at 4 am to help her shower (at the hotel room we'd had to get) and be at the hospital at 5 am. The many times the care requires early mornings, sleep disruption, and long days sitting in hospitals .... it's all just wearing on me.
And two weeks ago I got the reminder that I really can never be tasked with care of a bedridden person. I'd spent several hours in an uncomfortable ER chair with elder. She was sent home. I came home, reached under my kitchen cabinet to get a bottle of cleaner to wipe off my Hospital -germy phone, stood up too fast, and back went OUT. On the floor, needed help getting up, etc. My back does this every few years. The last time it happened was a few months after my father's death, when I had been under so much stress and spent so many hours sitting at the hospitals with him.
Anyway, am I the only one who just can't stand the early morning appointments, and the lack of control over making the times more convenient?

You put your post under the Burnout category for a good reason. You're burned out on caregiving after all these years which begs the question of why you're putting yourself and your body through the gruesome task again?? It's the very last thing on earth I would have done after dealing with my parents for over 10 years! My body and mind can't handle it, nevermind early morning appointments!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Oedgar23 23 hours ago
I agree with you on this being the last thing I would want to put myself through also. When she approached me for help, I kept in mind that she had some financial resources to pay for some assistance. Plus, she is a pleasant person with good judgment, unlike my mother. It’s just all been made harder by the fact that we have to travel so much to get her medical care. But the big picture is that I expect as she requires more care, will be able to pay for it with her resources. It’s just right now the transportation issue to the big city is a big problem, with so many repeated appointments to get her ready for the procedure, and then the postop issues
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See if you can get in-home visits instead.

Be picky about why she is going to the doc in the first place.

Her hygiene routines may have to be sacrificed or trunkated.

Have her hire aids, consider a facility.

Is hospice an option?

Consider court-assigned guardianship and be done with the hands-on part.

It's not that there aren't solutions. It's that you seem to be having a hard time accepting the solution options that are available. So don't think you need to continue to be a martyr. Are you going to allow yourself to become a trainwreck so that your kids will be burdened (emotionally and/or literally) with your care?

What good will it do if you burnout mentally, emotionally and physically? Everyone loses.
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Oedgar23 Jul 23, 2026
The main issue we’re having currently is that she requires specialty care for cardiac issues in a location thats an hours drive from home. We don’t have much available here for higher level medical care. Otherwise, all of her services are very much local. It’s just I’ve recently gotten her through a new valve and pacemaker insertion. So it’s been quite a process, complicated by the fact that she had some postop fevers and required an admission to the hospital. And then another ER visit. I’m crossing my fingers that things are settling down but tomorrow we do have a follow up with the electrophysiologist. She does have an aid that she pays to come to the house a couple times a week and also a housekeeper.
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Honestly, with a heart patient, I don't know if things will ever settle down. Generally when things start to go wrong, they continue to go wrong. An assisted living facility that does transportation to appointments might be your best bet.
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Reply to JustAnon
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What is the primary POA doing while you're running yourself into the ground? I think you would benefit from some hard thoughts about why you're chasing this chaos again.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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I realized many years ago that an essential underpinning of the U.S. health-care system is the expectation that untrained, typically unpaid individuals (primarily family members, but also sometimes friends) will be providing much of the care and associated services, such as transportation, that formerly were provided by trained, paid professionals. IMO, this stinks. Everyone who is thrust into this system should be thinking about how to protect themselves, their health, and their finances. Just because you can help this person doesn't mean you should help this person.
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