Hello forum, I am reaching out because I am trying to research support and services for help when it comes time to clean out my mother's home. My mother is still alive, to be clear, and she still lives at her home. She has been emotionally abusive to me my entire life, and I have had to go periods of no contact with her. I am an only child, so I have no siblings to help with what happens when she passes. She lives in a house beyond her means, and she has a TON of stuff. Some it is sentimental and important to me, but beyond that, I literally have panic attacks just thinking about dealing with her house and her physical stuff after she dies. I am looking for suggestions on services, providers, etc. who are focused on helping bereaved adult children deal with their deceased parents homes. Is there a name for that? I have been too traumatized by our relationship over the years to face this by myself, and I can only ask my friends for so much help in this context. I feel like I need a professional to help me with this, because I know I will be completely and totally overwhelmed. I have a therapist, so I am not looking for therapy referrals or anything -- I am literally looking for someone who does the actual sorting, storing, reducing, cleaning, etc. of an existing estate, and in a way that is supportive to those grieving. Thanks in advance!
* Bribe a friend *
Treat them to lunch after a morning of helping you sort.
*Cleaner*
Ask a cleaner if they would do this kind of work for an hourly fee. Find one via local cleaning businesses or friends' recommendations. Or maybe an 'end of lease' type cleaning company.
*YouTube*
Watch videos on how to declutter. Kon Mari is a well known decluttering professional. I find her very inspiring & am still attempting to use her ideas in my home.
But clearing out my folks home needs a different approach. I am using the Swedish Death Cleaning for that.
My progress is s l o w. I stall, procrastinate, get overwhelmed & stop.
I looked into tips for ADHD & learnt about the Body Double method. May sound strange but this is WORKING for me.
I am still travelling at a snail's pace BUT it is FREE!
*Body Double*
Using YouTube, I found people with videos that mimic working along side you. Maybe reading, studying, doing their own thing but with encouragement, short breaks, snack breaks & stretches. 'Work' was done in 20 min blocks & I found I got hours of work done.
*Decision Making*
Not being able to decide an item's fate was just making the 'decide later' pile grow. Holding an item NOT putting it down until I delt out it's fate: Keep, Rubbish, Donate.
It's a work in progress.. but I think I am improving.
*Holiday*
This is my own best method that works for me. I take only a few items & ignore the rest. It is based on a teip to Queensland when I had 7kgs carry-on only pack limit. 4 day outfits, 2 everyday, nicer, exercise + tiny sleepwear. 2 pairs footwear. 1 handbag. 1 set of makeup. 2 sets earrings.
To adapt for house clearing, I have taken 2 very small items to remember my Dad by & I will choose 2 for my Mother. There is 2 or 3 other household practical items. That's it. The rest must find a new home.
1. Family (or maybe very good friends) usually start. They sort, decide what to keep, gift or donate.
2. Estate Cleaners can be hired to clear the remainder & haul away. For a fee. Some may offer an on-sell or auction service & split proceeds of anything that sells.
3. Then Cleaners can be hired.
The quotes I got were $$$ with not much to be gained back from sales.
CalmHealth, you say your Mother is alive & living in the home.
So this is different..
Firstly, to be blunt - isn't your Mother's home your Mother's problem?
Secondly, if you have decided you want to help, deciding HOW MUCH you are willing to help is a good idea. Eg Make a few calls, to local council, elder services or even hoarder services - but stop there.
If you decide you really want to do the whole hands-on thing, *Professional Organisers* may work. There are individuals of varying sorts & qualifications out there.
I obtained a quote for this tyoe of service once. Would be 1:1 help, at my location, charged at an hourly fee. (I didn't go ahead with it)
If you are looking to 'learn' how to sort, a few sessions may work for you?
If you are looking for cheaper alternatives.. look at my Part 2.
Don't expect much money with the sales results.
My mom asked me if I wanted her house when she died or anything out of it. I made the mistake of telling her I would like the pictures and I didn't get 1 from our family, 40# of pictures. She sent me ALL of her husband's family and their life together, not a single photo existed from my childhood. I truly wish I wouldn't have given her the opportunity to try and hurt my heart again. It was her favorite thing in the world to try and destroy me, to bad she couldn't see what could have been if she would put her sword down with me.
I am telling you this so you can be prepared in the event your mom erased your memory from everything in her house. I am proof it happens. The crazy thing is we spoke regularly but, she hated me having strong boundaries against her hate towards me.
I pray you are not further hurt by her and her actions.
Just keep in mind not to keep too much stuff yourself, or you're just kicking the can down the road and someone else will need to clean up all the stuff you keep....and the more you keep, maybe the less happy you will be living among it, and having too much clutter can sometimes be harmful to our mental health (depression, hopelessness, etc).
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
....or you could just continually ask yourself, "What is the next indicated step?" That may help to focus your mind and help you calm down. No, I'm not a therapist, and you indicated you already have one...these are just things I did for myself (and continue to do with my mom's stuff) that helped me not to get too spun up in my own thoughts.
Best wishes
You can hire an "Estate Sale" company, who will come in and sort items worth selling, and will donate or toss what doesn't sell.
Bottom line, you will simply hire an Estate service to handle this chore for you. I'd start looking for them now, so you won't fall apart when the time comes. Make a file with all your info, numbers, prices, etc. so you are prepared ahead of time!
Stuff and things is what makes my mom happy, I'm not taking away what makes her happy, even though it's completely insanity to me.
Being a single child is a bit different, I'm leaving everything for my brother to deal with. 🤭. If it was on me, I'd just rent a dumpster. Maybe have an estate sale, and sell things cheaper. We also have Amish that are always great at reusing stuff, and thrift stores, some take donations and the donations go back to the community.
I know when my MIL goes, I’m getting a dumpster delivered to the driveway and 95% of her stuff is going on the trash straight away.
We always told Mom we would just burn the house down.
when the time comes the help of a company that does Estate Sales would be what you would want.
They organize everything and manage the sale. You do pay a hefty % for this though. Much easier than a garage sale if you ask me. I did one, and never again!!!
Some weekend drive around your community, look for the signs indicating there is an Estate Sale. Stop and wander through and see how they operate, talk to those manning the desk and ask for business cards.
They will set aside personal things you request as they find them (paperwork, photos). They did everything, sorted through separating what could be sold from trash, organized and held the estate sale, and donated or discarded what was left. When they were done we had an empty house ready to be cleaned and a small check.
When my personality disordered mom finally leaves either this earth or her home I won’t even step foot back in there until I have had an estate company do their thing.