I apologize if the question sounds confusing but I'm fearful. I'm finally going to be able to check something off my bucket list. I'm taking a holiday trip next month. For those of you who know my history, you know that in the past, every time I had a trip planned, my father would come up with something to hinder me from going such as needing to go to the doctor or saying he thinks he needs the hospital. He is in a facility now and I'm terrified that something will happen. I have not told him that I'm going out of town and do not plan to until right before I leave. He has never wanted me to enjoy myself. He only wants me to serve him even now that he is no longer at home. This trip is important to me and I don't plan on letting anything interfere with it but my fear is clouding my excitement.
Most things we worry about never happen. Get a med for anxiety and start taking it t before you leave. Bon voyage!
I went to Puerto Rico while Mom was under care and I also went to my niece's wedding in California and stopped off in Montana while Mom was under care on the east coast.
I needed both breaks.
Why do I bother with him/her at all?
People should ask themselves this when they're dealing with a dysfunctional caregiving situation for family. Then be honest with themselves with their answer. So much guilt-trips and browbeating oneself could be prevented by doing exactly this.
Also, if the answer a person comes up with is 'they have no one else' that's not a good reason to take it on and ruin your life and possibly the lives of your spouse and children too.
I just wanted to update everyone. I did go on a trip for Christmas and I had a wonderful time! It was great to get away and spend time with my daughter. For those of you who are care givers whether it is hands on or from a distance, please do not stop living your life. I did that for too long. I was so afraid that something was going to go wrong but the good Lord orchestrated it perfectly!
A few years ago, my ex-sil was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer (uterine, I think) Anyway, one of my nephews moved her in with his family. They had already planned and paid for a vacation, something they are rarely able to do. They began having doubts, so I called them. I told them to go ahead with what might possibly be a once-in-a-lifetime trip. The woman was obviously at end-of-life stage. Their staying at home, and possibly traumatizing their children didn’t seem like a good idea. There was nothing that their presence was going to change. They couldn't save her and make her well. They went ahead and took the trip. They said their children had a great time, even though they received the dreaded phone call while they were away. My other nephew was an EMT and he came and stayed with her while they were gone, so she was taken care of, plus my niece's parents were also around and were old family friends from way back. So the woman was well-cared-for. I don't regret giving them that advice at all. Some of their other friends gave similar advice.
~There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
My mother ALWAYS came up with a crisis or a situation whenever I had anything planned long before she was a senior or really had any health problems. So, I learned different ways to deal with this and will share them with you.
1) Don't tell your father you're even going on a vacation. I'm sure you have a cellphone. So if he calls you, he doesn't have to know your location. Or you can let his calls go to voicemail and call him back AT YOUR LEISURE or not at all if you don't want because you're on vacation.
2) Ask a friend or family member to check on him while you're away and don't talk to your father at all. Have them make a quick call to you to let you know he's okay and let that be the end of it while you're away.
3) Realize that if some crisis or situation happens to him, it's going to happen, you can't prevent it. If it happens, it happens. Remaining under your father's thumb in his misery won't stop something from happening. Worrying yourself into the grave and not allowing yourself a break, only hurts you. Your father (like my mother) would love nothing more than to have the satisfaction of knowing he ruined one more thing for you. Don't let him have your vacation. No. He is in AL they are taking care of him.
Please go on your vacation and enjoy it.
I agree, nothing to fear but fear itself. The only thing about having someone to check on him is the fact that the only people are his family and friends who mostly think like him. I will not tell them either that I'm going out of town. His facility is good about calling me when there is a real concern but sometimes he manipulates that by telling them to call me because he needs to go to the hospital. I'm just really tired of feeling this way and alot of it is my fault for letting him control me. But I won't let anything interfere with this trip because it will be with my daughter and I need to spend time with her.
Do you not owe it to YOURSELF to be left alone for the shorter duration of your trip which I'm sure is not to Europe or Africa? Does your daughter not deserve to have the uninterrupted attention of her mother for the duration? God knows, your father has already had enough of it. And he's still not satisfied. It's not like him ruining this trip is going to gain you anything. Think of it that way when you decide hell will freeze over before you tell him you're going on vacation 😊
Please don't come back here and post that you did. And that he ruined your trip.
You can let the facility know that you will not be visiting for a while. that you will be out of town. tell them to not inform your father that you are out of town.. If your dad has access to a phone do not take any calls from that number, let them go to voicemail.
They have your number, they can contact you in an EMERGENCY but designate another person as a successor POA in case a decision has to be made and you can not be reached.
(A successor POA is a good idea anyway so if something does happen it will not have to go through the Guardianship process)
Please do not let your fear ruin your trip. I hope you are going someplace fun and exciting!
You are so correct! I have had to learn that whatever happens with him is out of my control. Fear is really paralyzing! Having faith does help tremendously. He was in the hospital recently. Normally I would have immediately gone to see him but he was only there for tests. But he tried to make it sound like it more that it was. I did go to see him but I only went once because he was fine. I spoke with the doctor and nurses and all was well.
Have a great trip.
See All Answers