I apologize if the question sounds confusing but I'm fearful. I'm finally going to be able to check something off my bucket list. I'm taking a holiday trip next month. For those of you who know my history, you know that in the past, every time I had a trip planned, my father would come up with something to hinder me from going such as needing to go to the doctor or saying he thinks he needs the hospital. He is in a facility now and I'm terrified that something will happen. I have not told him that I'm going out of town and do not plan to until right before I leave. He has never wanted me to enjoy myself. He only wants me to serve him even now that he is no longer at home. This trip is important to me and I don't plan on letting anything interfere with it but my fear is clouding my excitement.
You can let the facility know that you will not be visiting for a while. that you will be out of town. tell them to not inform your father that you are out of town.. If your dad has access to a phone do not take any calls from that number, let them go to voicemail.
They have your number, they can contact you in an EMERGENCY but designate another person as a successor POA in case a decision has to be made and you can not be reached.
(A successor POA is a good idea anyway so if something does happen it will not have to go through the Guardianship process)
Please do not let your fear ruin your trip. I hope you are going someplace fun and exciting!
You are so correct! I have had to learn that whatever happens with him is out of my control. Fear is really paralyzing! Having faith does help tremendously. He was in the hospital recently. Normally I would have immediately gone to see him but he was only there for tests. But he tried to make it sound like it more that it was. I did go to see him but I only went once because he was fine. I spoke with the doctor and nurses and all was well.
I had not heard of a successor POA. Thank you for this. I'm trying hard not to let fear ruin things for me but I have gone through so much with this situation with my father. I realize that as people get older, they fear the unknown but he has always been like this, even when I was growing up. I could never have fun like my friends when I was a teenager.
Ya live and learn!
Your Father is a "malingerer". This is a fancy word for someone who intentionally makes up or exaggerates their illness in order to get attention. He's a serial malingerer.
He's in good care, so there's less to fear than ever before. When you fear, you give him power that he doesn't actually have.
Don't tell him. And see a therapist to help you with boundaries. Also, have a fun, fear-free trip!
And your fears are based on truth, because honestly, even if you did NOT recognize it, the truth is that anything these days can happen. To deny that isn't realistic. I found my partner, a year ago last October, down for the count with a stroke; laying back on the bed, left side out completely, confused, aphasic unable to speak. Our little dog came and got me from another room. Had I been away he would have been helpless. As it was he hot clot busters on board within the hour in a good stroke center and it completely reversed the stroke. At this point I would not leave him home alone, well and functioning as he is. I used to go to see my daughter in the PNW for a solid month. I am not free to do that now. So things CAN happen.
I kind of love that you use the word fear. So many say "anxious". Once I said to my doctor "I am tired of the platitudes; I am dead on terrified."
I want to recommend, not for this trip but for every day, a great book that has helped me, written by a good cognitive therapist. The exercises in it have helped me a whole lot, especially with the "self talking" thing. It is called The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David A. Clark and Aaron T. Beck.
I hope you will go and have a great time. Your note to us shows just how far you've come. And I am proud of you, truly!
Have a great trip.
You give this man too much of your energy. As Alva said, you are the onebin control. He needs you more than you need him. Being Christain does not mean you need to put up with his abuse. As soon as he gets started you walk away. You call his bluff. He is where he is because of his actions.
~There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
My mother ALWAYS came up with a crisis or a situation whenever I had anything planned long before she was a senior or really had any health problems. So, I learned different ways to deal with this and will share them with you.
1) Don't tell your father you're even going on a vacation. I'm sure you have a cellphone. So if he calls you, he doesn't have to know your location. Or you can let his calls go to voicemail and call him back AT YOUR LEISURE or not at all if you don't want because you're on vacation.
2) Ask a friend or family member to check on him while you're away and don't talk to your father at all. Have them make a quick call to you to let you know he's okay and let that be the end of it while you're away.
3) Realize that if some crisis or situation happens to him, it's going to happen, you can't prevent it. If it happens, it happens. Remaining under your father's thumb in his misery won't stop something from happening. Worrying yourself into the grave and not allowing yourself a break, only hurts you. Your father (like my mother) would love nothing more than to have the satisfaction of knowing he ruined one more thing for you. Don't let him have your vacation. No. He is in AL they are taking care of him.
Please go on your vacation and enjoy it.
I agree, nothing to fear but fear itself. The only thing about having someone to check on him is the fact that the only people are his family and friends who mostly think like him. I will not tell them either that I'm going out of town. His facility is good about calling me when there is a real concern but sometimes he manipulates that by telling them to call me because he needs to go to the hospital. I'm just really tired of feeling this way and alot of it is my fault for letting him control me. But I won't let anything interfere with this trip because it will be with my daughter and I need to spend time with her.
Do you not owe it to YOURSELF to be left alone for the shorter duration of your trip which I'm sure is not to Europe or Africa? Does your daughter not deserve to have the uninterrupted attention of her mother for the duration? God knows, your father has already had enough of it. And he's still not satisfied. It's not like him ruining this trip is going to gain you anything. Think of it that way when you decide hell will freeze over before you tell him you're going on vacation 😊
Please don't come back here and post that you did. And that he ruined your trip.
Most things we worry about never happen. Get a med for anxiety and start taking it t before you leave. Bon voyage!
I went to Puerto Rico while Mom was under care and I also went to my niece's wedding in California and stopped off in Montana while Mom was under care on the east coast.
I needed both breaks.
Why do I bother with him/her at all?
People should ask themselves this when they're dealing with a dysfunctional caregiving situation for family. Then be honest with themselves with their answer. So much guilt-trips and browbeating oneself could be prevented by doing exactly this.
Also, if the answer a person comes up with is 'they have no one else' that's not a good reason to take it on and ruin your life and possibly the lives of your spouse and children too.
A few years ago, my ex-sil was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer (uterine, I think) Anyway, one of my nephews moved her in with his family. They had already planned and paid for a vacation, something they are rarely able to do. They began having doubts, so I called them. I told them to go ahead with what might possibly be a once-in-a-lifetime trip. The woman was obviously at end-of-life stage. Their staying at home, and possibly traumatizing their children didn’t seem like a good idea. There was nothing that their presence was going to change. They couldn't save her and make her well. They went ahead and took the trip. They said their children had a great time, even though they received the dreaded phone call while they were away. My other nephew was an EMT and he came and stayed with her while they were gone, so she was taken care of, plus my niece's parents were also around and were old family friends from way back. So the woman was well-cared-for. I don't regret giving them that advice at all. Some of their other friends gave similar advice.
If any of you reading this have difficult relationships with parents, please set boundaries before it is too late. Also, try to find a village that supports you and what you need.
I'm not taking him. The facility takes the residents to appointments. They always call to let family members know when they have appointments. I woke up this morning feeling a bit more empowered and I'm so excited about my trip! I have been through so much over the years and I deserve to be happy and celebrate me. For too long, I've put others needs before my own. I'm no longer doing that.
Bon voyage...
I hope you have an amazing time.
Isn't feeling empowered a wonderful feeling?!
Take a book with you..
Dr. Seuss "Oh The Places You Will Go" it's not just for children
Do you need to tell your father at all?
If he creates a "need" every time you want to get away, even if you tell him as you are leaving, he will probably be texting or calling you with some "emergency" while you are enjoying your much deserved vacation.
What are you fearful of? That something will happen? Yes, he could have an emergency. He could take a turn for the worse. That will happen with or without you. There is nothing you can do to prevent it. And, I guarantee you if you tell him you are going away, he will definitely make something happen to get you to come back, or to make you feel guilty. Sorry, needy people can't help themselves. Ask someone else to check in on him and give him attention while you are away. Inform the facility staff that you will be unavailable and provide another emergency contact.
I just wanted to update everyone. I did go on a trip for Christmas and I had a wonderful time! It was great to get away and spend time with my daughter. For those of you who are care givers whether it is hands on or from a distance, please do not stop living your life. I did that for too long. I was so afraid that something was going to go wrong but the good Lord orchestrated it perfectly!
Just curious, did you tell him dad before you left?
I’m glad you went and enjoyed your daughter. Happy New Year!
I told him right before I left because I have decided not to be in bondage anymore. If he had tried to stop me from going, I was going anyway. I'm in my late 50's and refuse to walk on eggshells around him any longer. I think he told some of his family and they were kind of upset that I did not go get him for the holidays but guess what?? Neither did they. One of them could have brought him to their home. I tried to do the right thing by visiting him before I left and I took him gifts. I'm going to live my life as fun as I can. I'm already planning my next trip! I'm so thankful for this forum for the strength it has helped me to gain!
Yes! People are use to me being "the solution" which I admit is my fault for allowing people to take advantage of me including my dad. But I have learned to say NO. Often times people do not appreciate you but they expect you to be there at the drop of a hat. Well my "hat" is now on the shelf awaiting my next adventure lol. Also, people that you try to do things for, often have no problem telling you no.
It's a hard concept to get. Something inside ourselves, because we are givers, tells us "I give to your need and you will give to mine when I AM in need; and you will be grateful to me and think I am a wonderful person". But, nope. Usually doesn't work that way.
One of life's nifty lessons!