My father was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia, early onset Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s this summer. I have a half brother through my dad that we have never been close with. My dad actually cut ties with him about 4 years ago because for years my half-brother would never make time to come see us while in the area which was easily 10-20x per year. And also when we went to his wedding he pretty much ignored my dad, myself and my sister and never introduced us to anyone, etc. My dad has a will and has even written him out of inheriting anything and put a no contest in place.I really don’t know him well either, I know my neighbors more than I know him as an example.When I called my half-brother this summer to tell him about dad’s health he informed me he was going through hard times financially and his business was failing (he’s never been financially responsible) and he was super depressed. After telling him about my dad’s condition he proceeded to ask me who is getting his house (I will be inheriting it but I didn’t tell him that) and if my dad would give him money to help him. I am my dad’s POA of health and property(durable). At this point I had already taken over managing his finances and I made it clear to him that was not happening. He never showed really any remorse for our dad’s health status.I did call our elder attorney the next day to consult because it was very concerning. Since then I have no heard from my half brother until now. He’s texting me 4 months later asking about our dad. My dad’s health is progressing very quickly and I am going to be moving him into assisted living next month. He still doesn’t want a relationship with my half-brother and I am concerned on his motives with our last conversation.Am I right to only provide him basic details and nothing else? I really don’t want to tell him he’s moving into assisted living at this point. Dad is in a state where he is vulnerable, he’s not as much in sound mind anymore to always make good, rational decisions so I worry he can be easily taken advantage of. The facility doesn’t screen visitors unless there is an order of protection which if course isn’t necessary. I will also be moving into my dad’s home once he’s settled in assisted living as my dad doesn’t want it sold and has it willed to myself once he passes. I really don’t want to disclose that to my half brother right now.I’m just incredibly nervous because my gut tells me to remember our last conversation and his reaction being the house and money. If I provide him basic details like “Dads health is progressing which is to be expected. I am focusing on keeping dad’s health and best interest a top priority.” Is there a way to politely add that details will not be shared?Any advice would be appreciated. I want to keep my dad protected and look after his best interest as his health declines and he becomes more vulnerable.
"I suggest a short, polite response. Thank him for his interest and tell him that your Dad is doing as well as can be expected. One sentence. This response reveals no real details: it is merely an acknowledgement that the text was received".
This is the usual response I'd get from my cousin when I would inquire about my now estranged aunt. It acknowledges, yet doesn't give too much.
If he starts to ask specific questions about money, and you feel the need to answer at all, tell him you're not at liberty to discuss dad's finances with anyone. Which is 100% the truth as dad's POA. It's also allowable that you don't answer any questions you're uncomfortable with.
A Will is private. Even a POA does not need to know what is in it. POA ends at death then the Executor of the Will takes over. Beneficiaries are notified during probate that the Will is filed and then its known who inherits. This is not info you can give out.
Me, I would tell brother nothing. He is only interested because there is money involved. You cannot give him any and you cannot loan him any. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, large amounts of money withdrawn from his account will cause penalties.
Go with your gut. Do not give him any info.
As dad's POA, you must preserve confidentiality. Have no more conversations with HB, and if he pushes it, all you have to say is that your dad's health and business is private. Wish him well and hang up the phone.
As my grandmother used to say, "Don't tell people what you know. Then they'll know what you know and what they know too." That's pretty good advice.
I have to say it. A parent who cuts their child out of their life is a POS (those unfamilar with the term need only go to Urbandictionary for explanation). The OP does not mention the brother being an addict, a criminal, or having been so terrible that they burned all their bridges with the family. The OP only says that they weren't close. That's not a good enough reason to cut your kid out of your life.
I truly hope the OP is a better person than the father in this case and cuts their brother in on any potential inheritance because that's the right thing to do.
However it is also correct that B would like to know if anything valuable is coming his way, particularly the house. One way to deal with this is to get a medical diagnosis that F is no longer legally capable to change his will or to deal with his finances. If you are choosing between AL and memory care, that might be a good idea anyway.
Also, maybe consult an estate attorney or Medicaid Planner for your Dad's home state to see if adding you to the deed now will protect it from your half brother? This is a lega and financial planning question (and would have possible tax consequences for you). If your Dad ever needs Medicaid, they put a lien on the house which will need to be satisfied before the next owner inherits it.
Your Dad should make you beneficiary on his assets rather than rely solely on the Will. Since he is a biological child of your Dad, I think legally he would have a case if he contested the Will, but I'm not sure, this is a legal question. Also, whatever checking/savings accounts you are joint on with your Dad, when he passes, that becomes your money (and I think it bypasses probate). Make sure your talk to the elder law attorney about the probate process -- assuming you are your Dad's Executor.
My neighbor moved in with his parents a decade ago because his life fell apart, but over the years he increasingly assisted with the increasing needs to transport them to the doctor while doing their errands while also keeping their 4/3 home realtor immaculate. His mom had a stroke and passed in the hospital. His dad had a below the knee diabetic amputation that he didn’t want the son calling 911 on.
Hes disinherited. Turns out he may have been so all along. For now, POA brother is allowing him to remain in the house although he’s not allowed to have contact with dad who’s now spending over $10k a month for stupid waterfalls and weekly generic birthday parties when he could be living in his own 4/3 completely handicap accessible home with his son and gf for free.
See All Answers