My father was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia, early onset Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s this summer. I have a half brother through my dad that we have never been close with. My dad actually cut ties with him about 4 years ago because for years my half-brother would never make time to come see us while in the area which was easily 10-20x per year. And also when we went to his wedding he pretty much ignored my dad, myself and my sister and never introduced us to anyone, etc. My dad has a will and has even written him out of inheriting anything and put a no contest in place.I really don’t know him well either, I know my neighbors more than I know him as an example.When I called my half-brother this summer to tell him about dad’s health he informed me he was going through hard times financially and his business was failing (he’s never been financially responsible) and he was super depressed. After telling him about my dad’s condition he proceeded to ask me who is getting his house (I will be inheriting it but I didn’t tell him that) and if my dad would give him money to help him. I am my dad’s POA of health and property(durable). At this point I had already taken over managing his finances and I made it clear to him that was not happening. He never showed really any remorse for our dad’s health status.I did call our elder attorney the next day to consult because it was very concerning. Since then I have no heard from my half brother until now. He’s texting me 4 months later asking about our dad. My dad’s health is progressing very quickly and I am going to be moving him into assisted living next month. He still doesn’t want a relationship with my half-brother and I am concerned on his motives with our last conversation.Am I right to only provide him basic details and nothing else? I really don’t want to tell him he’s moving into assisted living at this point. Dad is in a state where he is vulnerable, he’s not as much in sound mind anymore to always make good, rational decisions so I worry he can be easily taken advantage of. The facility doesn’t screen visitors unless there is an order of protection which if course isn’t necessary. I will also be moving into my dad’s home once he’s settled in assisted living as my dad doesn’t want it sold and has it willed to myself once he passes. I really don’t want to disclose that to my half brother right now.I’m just incredibly nervous because my gut tells me to remember our last conversation and his reaction being the house and money. If I provide him basic details like “Dads health is progressing which is to be expected. I am focusing on keeping dad’s health and best interest a top priority.” Is there a way to politely add that details will not be shared?Any advice would be appreciated. I want to keep my dad protected and look after his best interest as his health declines and he becomes more vulnerable.
They are grown people who have made their decisions. Do not give life to a fantasy that they will have a last minute reconcilliation.
If there is going to be an inheritance dispute, lawyers can handle that after your father passes.
If the parent is thinking of cutting someone out of the will—perhaps for neglecting the relationship or for being a drug addict or financially irresponsible, whatever the reason—again, it’s best to let them know in advance. Sometimes it’s the very push they needed to get their life in order, and back into the good graces of mom and dad. Money as an incentive can bring about good changes in people, too.
Keeping people in the dark about money issues now shortchanges the relationships and can precipitate familial fracture later on, after the parent is gone and can’t do anything about it any more.
"I suggest a short, polite response. Thank him for his interest and tell him that your Dad is doing as well as can be expected. One sentence. This response reveals no real details: it is merely an acknowledgement that the text was received".
This is the usual response I'd get from my cousin when I would inquire about my now estranged aunt. It acknowledges, yet doesn't give too much.
However it is also correct that B would like to know if anything valuable is coming his way, particularly the house. One way to deal with this is to get a medical diagnosis that F is no longer legally capable to change his will or to deal with his finances. If you are choosing between AL and memory care, that might be a good idea anyway.
My neighbor moved in with his parents a decade ago because his life fell apart, but over the years he increasingly assisted with the increasing needs to transport them to the doctor while doing their errands while also keeping their 4/3 home realtor immaculate. His mom had a stroke and passed in the hospital. His dad had a below the knee diabetic amputation that he didn’t want the son calling 911 on.
Hes disinherited. Turns out he may have been so all along. For now, POA brother is allowing him to remain in the house although he’s not allowed to have contact with dad who’s now spending over $10k a month for stupid waterfalls and weekly generic birthday parties when he could be living in his own 4/3 completely handicap accessible home with his son and gf for free.
In AL it is very easy for a resident to just leave. The receptionist is not a "gatekeeper" and can not monitor everyone that comes and goes. It is also possible that a person can just wander out. this may not be the case with your dad now but you never know when he just might decide to go for a walk.
In memory Care the unit is generally locked so that visitors must have a code to enter. Family can restrict who visits much more easily than they can in AL. In MC you could say that your half-brother can only have supervised visits. You can restrict them even more or prohibit them if they upset your dad.
There is a site called CaringBridge it is free. You can sign up and post updates for your half sibling but also for other friends and family that you want to keep informed as to what is going on. They can also communicate with you.
As dad's POA, you must preserve confidentiality. Have no more conversations with HB, and if he pushes it, all you have to say is that your dad's health and business is private. Wish him well and hang up the phone.
As my grandmother used to say, "Don't tell people what you know. Then they'll know what you know and what they know too." That's pretty good advice.
I have to say it. A parent who cuts their child out of their life is a POS (those unfamilar with the term need only go to Urbandictionary for explanation). The OP does not mention the brother being an addict, a criminal, or having been so terrible that they burned all their bridges with the family. The OP only says that they weren't close. That's not a good enough reason to cut your kid out of your life.
I truly hope the OP is a better person than the father in this case and cuts their brother in on any potential inheritance because that's the right thing to do.
A Will is private. Even a POA does not need to know what is in it. POA ends at death then the Executor of the Will takes over. Beneficiaries are notified during probate that the Will is filed and then its known who inherits. This is not info you can give out.
Me, I would tell brother nothing. He is only interested because there is money involved. You cannot give him any and you cannot loan him any. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, large amounts of money withdrawn from his account will cause penalties.
Go with your gut. Do not give him any info.
Please don't get me wrong. I recognize you're in a hard situation. Your brother is too though. When I see a story like yours it really resonates with me because I have "half" (still hate that term) siblings. I married a man who had a child. My son is no less a son to me because I didn't give birth to him. I was divorced from his father (we remarried) but I'm still his mother. It sounds to me like your brother probably got pushed aside and blown off for dad's new family (you and your mother) and that's hard.
Be adult for a little while instead of a spoiled brat and call him. He's your brother. Put your personal spite for him aside and make a phone call. If you are unable to do this, send him an email but tell him he's welcome to call you and leave a number. That's the decent thing to do. You won't legally owe him any of the inheritance you'll be collecting when your father passes. You owe him morally though because he's also your father's child and your brother. You even say he's on hard times financially because business isn't good. You can do what's fair and decent when you father passes and I really hope you do.
As for him not introducing you and your parents around at his wedding, well it was HIS day. Not yours and not your parents'. You and your parents could have mingled and introduced yourselves also. I didn't have my mother at two of my weddings because of her behavior at the first one.
Do what's right and call your brother.
Maybe you'll get lucky and he will go away.
That said, your dad already made his decision about this guy a long time ago. Unfortunately, you went ahead and divulged your dad's private business. Does your dad know that you did this? A lot depends on whether or not your dad knows and understands what you've done.
At the very least, you and/or your dad must tell the assisted living place he's moving to that this guy is absolutely neither wanted nor welcome and is never to be permitted entry.
You say he is "not as much of sound mind" as he was. Sorry, that doesn't tell me enough.
I agree with you that your father is fragile now, and that he may be very vulnerable prey to your brother, may be hoping for that death bed resolution.
I think moreover you are likely right about brother.
The only thing he wants is money. I am very sorry you ever reached out to him.
Major question here is for your father. Not a Forum of strangers. If your father things to see him, even to finance him, that may be an option if your father doesn't have dementia. Long and short is that there is really nothing you can do about that.
If you REALLY HATE this guy you, as POA can always tell him that you reached out once and found him interested in nothing but talking about money, not about his Dad. That the estrangement is now too long, that Dad isn't fully in control of his faculties and for this reason you are now in control of everything, and feel it would be cruel and unfair to pretend that movie and book magical-thinking about deathbed reunions happens.
But if he's coming, then he's coming.
And if Dad is rational and his mind isn't in failure, then whether or not he sees him, buys his remorse or not, is--as I know your attorney will have told you--up, ultimately to your Dad.
Sadly this "Prodigal Son" story has been playing out since the beginning of time.
Also, maybe consult an estate attorney or Medicaid Planner for your Dad's home state to see if adding you to the deed now will protect it from your half brother? This is a lega and financial planning question (and would have possible tax consequences for you). If your Dad ever needs Medicaid, they put a lien on the house which will need to be satisfied before the next owner inherits it.
Your Dad should make you beneficiary on his assets rather than rely solely on the Will. Since he is a biological child of your Dad, I think legally he would have a case if he contested the Will, but I'm not sure, this is a legal question. Also, whatever checking/savings accounts you are joint on with your Dad, when he passes, that becomes your money (and I think it bypasses probate). Make sure your talk to the elder law attorney about the probate process -- assuming you are your Dad's Executor.
If he starts to ask specific questions about money, and you feel the need to answer at all, tell him you're not at liberty to discuss dad's finances with anyone. Which is 100% the truth as dad's POA. It's also allowable that you don't answer any questions you're uncomfortable with.