Hello. My mom with dementia has been in a home for almost a year. She hates the place and hates being locked down. She is getting more determined to return to her home. To be fair she is a very sweet and long suffering lady.
I'm guessing from previous posts that there is no way to continue her care at home with a live in aide. I have contacted the NH's social worker but it is hard to get a return call. Still hoping. I was going to ask if her meds can be adjusted to help settle her. She does not participate in activities and prefers to stay in bed. This is troubling. I tried sending her things like large piece puzzles, snacks, clothes but nothing seems to help long term. I am getting a notebook so I can remote log in and play videos for her.
Today a visiting friend said she was so frustrated that she did not want to eat and became exhausted.
Honestly I wonder if a couple of years at home would be better than who knows how many unhappy years in a NH? Not sure what to do for her. Any ideas would be appreciated.
in her home will not fix the problem. My friend’s mother kept leaving her house to “go home”. She had to be placed in a locked down unit for her safety.
Taking her home would be the worst thing you could do for her and you! She would need more than aides. She’d need someone watching her the entire time. As in staying right next to her. 24/7. That would probably stress her out more!
Next best step is med adjustment.
DO NOT entertain bringing her back to her home. Maybe consider relocating her to a facility near you. I realize this is a long-distance move and a lot of grief and one-time effort but once she's in proximity then her care will become easier for you. Of course she won't like it but caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is likely.
Your mother must live in a locked place. That's very hard to do at home. My SIL who had dementia and was getting out of her house even with her caregiver there - her family put her in a guest house on their property with only one door. Three shifts of caregivers, which is what it took because the caregiver must always be awake to watch her. SIL still tried to get out and almost did. It was scary for the family because if she'd wandered off in the mountains where they live, no telling where she'd have ended up. Nowhere good, that's for sure. She lives in a memory care facility now.
My husband got out of our (secured, I thought) house and ended up as a John Doe in a hospital many miles away after strangers picked him up in their car and called an ambulance. It was a nightmare. Those people could have had bad intentions and could have hurt him.
So even though you think that taking mom home might be possible, please don't. No telling what she might dream up, such as my neighbor's mother who somehow escaped their house and went walking down the middle of the street naked. In a cold climate in October. My neighbor even worked in a memory care facility and was sure that mom couldn't leave their house. Mom moved to memory care after that incident.
You know mom's safe where she is, and her fantasy of leaving is just that - a fantasy. She doesn't understand the ramifications of her going home, she has no judgment and is basically a child in the way she thinks.
I wish you well and hope mom adjusts to where she is, because it's the safest place for her now.
You can try to have her meds adjusted and see if that helps. It would be nice for her to have a better quality of life and participate more. If you can't make it happen try to understand that some things can't be fixed and give up on it and be at peace. It is no reflection on you that she is losing interest in living.
My father is in a NH nearly 3.5 years and I used to visit my father pretty often and observed that most of the residents who were sitting through the social activities had checked out, my father included. Very few really participate, most sleep or stare off into space, just so you know.
Visit and treat her with love and kindness. Try not to feel guilty. This is not your fault.
Explain this to her, and say that there is no way she is going to be able to leave. It's up to her to make the best of things. Staying in bed and refusing to eat is up to her. Forget about the puzzles, lay it on the line about the (very limited) options and ask her what she wants to do with the time she has got. You aren't in charge, it's up to her.
The video idea is nice idea, but will she be able to operate the device?
Absolutely request that her meds be adjusted due to anxiety and anger.
Your mother must live in a locked place. That's very hard to do at home. My SIL who had dementia and was getting out of her house even with her caregiver there - her family put her in a guest house on their property with only one door. Three shifts of caregivers, which is what it took because the caregiver must always be awake to watch her. SIL still tried to get out and almost did. It was scary for the family because if she'd wandered off in the mountains where they live, no telling where she'd have ended up. Nowhere good, that's for sure. She lives in a memory care facility now.
My husband got out of our (secured, I thought) house and ended up as a John Doe in a hospital many miles away after strangers picked him up in their car and called an ambulance. It was a nightmare. Those people could have had bad intentions and could have hurt him.
So even though you think that taking mom home might be possible, please don't. No telling what she might dream up, such as my neighbor's mother who somehow escaped their house and went walking down the middle of the street naked. In a cold climate in October. My neighbor even worked in a memory care facility and was sure that mom couldn't leave their house. Mom moved to memory care after that incident.
You know mom's safe where she is, and her fantasy of leaving is just that - a fantasy. She doesn't understand the ramifications of her going home, she has no judgment and is basically a child in the way she thinks.
I wish you well and hope mom adjusts to where she is, because it's the safest place for her now.
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