Hello. My mom with dementia has been in a home for almost a year. She hates the place and hates being locked down. She is getting more determined to return to her home. To be fair she is a very sweet and long suffering lady.
I'm guessing from previous posts that there is no way to continue her care at home with a live in aide. I have contacted the NH's social worker but it is hard to get a return call. Still hoping. I was going to ask if her meds can be adjusted to help settle her. She does not participate in activities and prefers to stay in bed. This is troubling. I tried sending her things like large piece puzzles, snacks, clothes but nothing seems to help long term. I am getting a notebook so I can remote log in and play videos for her.
Today a visiting friend said she was so frustrated that she did not want to eat and became exhausted.
Honestly I wonder if a couple of years at home would be better than who knows how many unhappy years in a NH? Not sure what to do for her. Any ideas would be appreciated.
My mom has been in memory care for 6 months. She's doing better physically and cognitively than she was in her home with 3 shifts of 24/7 caregivers. A low dose of Lexapro has made a world of difference in her mood.
She is participating in most of the activities and has made friends with several residents. I regularly see pictures of her with a big smile on her face. When she lived at home, she was a shut in whose only human contact were a few family members and her caregivers. Without mental stimulation, she was losing her words, and her demeanor was flat. Now she smiles and talks up a storm, even if it doesn't always make sense.
When she asks to go home, I'll answer "when the doctor says it's ok". This at least gives her hope instead of telling her all the reasons she can't go home, which would just upset her. In her dementia-mind, she THINKS she's doing all her ADLs herself. She has no short-term memory and doesn't realize she needs help with everything.
Suppose she turns on the stove and gas fills the house and then the house blows up, taking the neighbor's house with it? It's just an example, I'm sure there is something she could do at her old house that would create a disaster.
You have no way of knowing what the friend really saw, or how familiar they are with dementia. People with dementia can't live alone. They may want to, they may say they can, but they are not able to make good decisions, so they can't live alone. Complaints are normal. So is not remembering they were out of bed that day, saying they don't do activities when they really do, and saying they haven't eaten all day when they have.
It's part of the disease process. She is where she belongs.
Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. Blame the disease which strips the dignity away from an elder, nothing else. Keeping mom safe is all we "children" can do for them, really. It's very hard to hear the complaints, I know, but it's also not helpful for visitors to relay them to you. "Happy" is not part of dementia for most, and folks who've never dealt with it have no idea what it's all about. These folks wind up causing more harm than they cure.
Best of luck to you.
The home your mother is demanding to go back to may be her childhood home. Or the home of some friend she knew. Or a fictional home she saw on tv. Dementia is a sad and tragic disease. The delusions are real to the person with the disease. They believe them.
Really the best you can do for your mother now is to try and have her medications adjusted. If they can happen on the right meds and right dosages it can help her feel better.
in her home will not fix the problem. My friend’s mother kept leaving her house to “go home”. She had to be placed in a locked down unit for her safety.
Taking her home would be the worst thing you could do for her and you! She would need more than aides. She’d need someone watching her the entire time. As in staying right next to her. 24/7. That would probably stress her out more!
Next best step is med adjustment.
Your mother must live in a locked place. That's very hard to do at home. My SIL who had dementia and was getting out of her house even with her caregiver there - her family put her in a guest house on their property with only one door. Three shifts of caregivers, which is what it took because the caregiver must always be awake to watch her. SIL still tried to get out and almost did. It was scary for the family because if she'd wandered off in the mountains where they live, no telling where she'd have ended up. Nowhere good, that's for sure. She lives in a memory care facility now.
My husband got out of our (secured, I thought) house and ended up as a John Doe in a hospital many miles away after strangers picked him up in their car and called an ambulance. It was a nightmare. Those people could have had bad intentions and could have hurt him.
So even though you think that taking mom home might be possible, please don't. No telling what she might dream up, such as my neighbor's mother who somehow escaped their house and went walking down the middle of the street naked. In a cold climate in October. My neighbor even worked in a memory care facility and was sure that mom couldn't leave their house. Mom moved to memory care after that incident.
You know mom's safe where she is, and her fantasy of leaving is just that - a fantasy. She doesn't understand the ramifications of her going home, she has no judgment and is basically a child in the way she thinks.
I wish you well and hope mom adjusts to where she is, because it's the safest place for her now.
Your mother must live in a locked place. That's very hard to do at home. My SIL who had dementia and was getting out of her house even with her caregiver there - her family put her in a guest house on their property with only one door. Three shifts of caregivers, which is what it took because the caregiver must always be awake to watch her. SIL still tried to get out and almost did. It was scary for the family because if she'd wandered off in the mountains where they live, no telling where she'd have ended up. Nowhere good, that's for sure. She lives in a memory care facility now.
My husband got out of our (secured, I thought) house and ended up as a John Doe in a hospital many miles away after strangers picked him up in their car and called an ambulance. It was a nightmare. Those people could have had bad intentions and could have hurt him.
So even though you think that taking mom home might be possible, please don't. No telling what she might dream up, such as my neighbor's mother who somehow escaped their house and went walking down the middle of the street naked. In a cold climate in October. My neighbor even worked in a memory care facility and was sure that mom couldn't leave their house. Mom moved to memory care after that incident.
You know mom's safe where she is, and her fantasy of leaving is just that - a fantasy. She doesn't understand the ramifications of her going home, she has no judgment and is basically a child in the way she thinks.
I wish you well and hope mom adjusts to where she is, because it's the safest place for her now.
DO NOT entertain bringing her back to her home. Maybe consider relocating her to a facility near you. I realize this is a long-distance move and a lot of grief and one-time effort but once she's in proximity then her care will become easier for you. Of course she won't like it but caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is likely.
Explain this to her, and say that there is no way she is going to be able to leave. It's up to her to make the best of things. Staying in bed and refusing to eat is up to her. Forget about the puzzles, lay it on the line about the (very limited) options and ask her what she wants to do with the time she has got. You aren't in charge, it's up to her.
You can try to have her meds adjusted and see if that helps. It would be nice for her to have a better quality of life and participate more. If you can't make it happen try to understand that some things can't be fixed and give up on it and be at peace. It is no reflection on you that she is losing interest in living.
My father is in a NH nearly 3.5 years and I used to visit my father pretty often and observed that most of the residents who were sitting through the social activities had checked out, my father included. Very few really participate, most sleep or stare off into space, just so you know.
Visit and treat her with love and kindness. Try not to feel guilty. This is not your fault.
The video idea is nice idea, but will she be able to operate the device?
Absolutely request that her meds be adjusted due to anxiety and anger.