I take care of my 81 year old mom who had surgery 5 years ago after breaking her hip and pelvis. I know she still hurts, but she's able to do almost anything as long as she has a walker. She cooks, cleans, grooms and goes shopping. Now that I've had surgery 3 weeks ago after breaking my femur, she acts like she's bedridden. She compares our surgeries, hardware, pain and ages (I'm 55). She refuses to do a thing so I'm left to do it all. That would be fine if I wasn't freshly injured and trying to recover. Her verbal and emotional abuse towards me has severely escalated since I got out of my 3 weeks inpatient physical rehab. She lashes out at me constantly for no reason. I'm at my wits end. I'm in so much physical and emotional pain I don't know what to do. I just need some help!
No one deserves to live in such a toxic environment with a woman who only cares about herself.
So I wish you well in taking your life back and finding peace and joy again so you can heal properly both physically and mentally.
Since you mention that this change in her behavior is ramped up, and considering she is an elder female, she may have a UTI. UTIs are extremely common in senior women, and are not caused by hygiene alone. They don't have symptoms other than behavioral or cognitive changes and often the senior themselves have no idea they have an infection.
I agree that you should hire help for yourself and stop thinking your Mom is going to be someone she probably never was and will never be. Once you're healed sufficiently you need to assess your living/caregiving arrangement. It may be time for her to transition into AL so that you can go on with your life while you still can.
She's 81, and this could easily go on for 10 or more years. Are you up to that? You wouldn't be on this site if you were. Make a plan and quietly go about making it happen. Don't hint anything about it to mom because doing so will only bring more tirades, disrespect, anger and vengeance upon you. Don't stand for it!
I wish you luck in getting this tyrant out and someplace else. She isn't worth having a nervous breakdown over. I hope you recover soon!
After you are healed move her into a different living situation.
Is this a new behavior?
Does she live with you? Did you move in to her home?
If she does not live with you, then I would suggest, just leave.
If you are stuck in this living arrangement, I'm afraid there's not a lot you can do.
You can't change her behavior. You can only change how you respond to it.
Please, do not engage in arguments with her over how capable you are, how capable she is, or respond to her insults. When she asks you to do something for her, tell her as calmly as you can that you are not able to do that now. You won't be able to do that for ... weeks because you are healing and currently laid up.
You are in no position to be taking care of her needs.
If she demands she needs someone to help her, suggest hiring an in home aide from an agency, at least temporarily. Both of you could use an extra hand!
What did she do when you were in rehab for 3 weeks? However she got by while you were away, she should do that again. You may not ever heal back to your former ability. What if you can no longer take care of mom? It's time for the two of you to talk about it and make a plan for if or when that happens.
See All Answers