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I take care of my 81 year old mom who had surgery 5 years ago after breaking her hip and pelvis. I know she still hurts, but she's able to do almost anything as long as she has a walker. She cooks, cleans, grooms and goes shopping. Now that I've had surgery 3 weeks ago after breaking my femur, she acts like she's bedridden. She compares our surgeries, hardware, pain and ages (I'm 55). She refuses to do a thing so I'm left to do it all. That would be fine if I wasn't freshly injured and trying to recover. Her verbal and emotional abuse towards me has severely escalated since I got out of my 3 weeks inpatient physical rehab. She lashes out at me constantly for no reason. I'm at my wits end. I'm in so much physical and emotional pain I don't know what to do. I just need some help!

I’m glad you recognize you’re being abused. There’s no excuse for your mother treating you so poorly. Many people have broken their hip/pelvis and went back to life without taking advantage of others. Do only what you must for yourself, nothing for her. Do not listen to any abusive or negative talk from her. Make plans to move out as soon as possible. Know you deserve better
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Is there no one that can come help you out as you recover? Are you an only child? Do you have POA for your mom or does someone else have it? Has she always been this way or is it new behavior? One of my first thoughts was she is scared that her only caregiver may be unable to tend to her needs anymore and rather than admit it she is lashing out. No matter why she is acting this way you need a change in living arrangements. It's time to get her placed in a facility and you need to hire help so you can recover from your surgery. Once she is placed and you are back on your feet seek out counseling. I also recommend the Surviving Narcissism videos on Youtube by Dr. Les. He explains how to heal from abuse from a parent.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Has your mother always been a narcissist and treated you this way?
Is this a new behavior?
Does she live with you? Did you move in to her home?
If she does not live with you, then I would suggest, just leave.

If you are stuck in this living arrangement, I'm afraid there's not a lot you can do.
You can't change her behavior. You can only change how you respond to it.

Please, do not engage in arguments with her over how capable you are, how capable she is, or respond to her insults. When she asks you to do something for her, tell her as calmly as you can that you are not able to do that now. You won't be able to do that for ... weeks because you are healing and currently laid up.

You are in no position to be taking care of her needs.
If she demands she needs someone to help her, suggest hiring an in home aide from an agency, at least temporarily. Both of you could use an extra hand!

What did she do when you were in rehab for 3 weeks? However she got by while you were away, she should do that again. You may not ever heal back to your former ability. What if you can no longer take care of mom? It's time for the two of you to talk about it and make a plan for if or when that happens.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Ask yourself if you, with your health issues, are capable of taking care of mom anymore. I think not! Time for a new plan, but keep it to yourself until you're in a position to execute it. You'll have separate households, no matter how you can make that happen. Maybe Assisted Living for her. Maybe you in your own place. The important thing is that you do not live with her as she continues to abuse you and declines in health. She will only get worse, and if subjected to all her negativity and chaos, you may get worse too. Then who takes care of whom?

She's 81, and this could easily go on for 10 or more years. Are you up to that? You wouldn't be on this site if you were. Make a plan and quietly go about making it happen. Don't hint anything about it to mom because doing so will only bring more tirades, disrespect, anger and vengeance upon you. Don't stand for it!

I wish you luck in getting this tyrant out and someplace else. She isn't worth having a nervous breakdown over. I hope you recover soon!
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Reply to Fawnby
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If you can afford it, see if sn Assisted Living near you has respite care. If so, put yourself there. The cost for an aide thru an agency could be almost as much as a month in AL. You get 3 meals a day, 24/7 care, activities and...peace and quiet.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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MG8522 Jun 22, 2026
That actually sounds like a really good idea.
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As suggested, get home health care or hire someone to come in and assist you. Hire someone super helpful and nice. Give them detailed instructions that they are there to help you and your mother. Get them to be super nice to you and cold to your mother. When your mother is around "company" she will bite her tongue with her dismissive comments etc.
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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My advice is to move out ASAP if you're living with your mom. And if she's living with you, then get her out ASAP any way you can.
No one deserves to live in such a toxic environment with a woman who only cares about herself.
So I wish you well in taking your life back and finding peace and joy again so you can heal properly both physically and mentally.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Brandee again, Also, I would not verbally engage with her. Stress on you is the enemy of healing. Go in your bedroom and shut your door. Eat meals in your room if you have to. Drive off and walk in the park or sit on a park bench.

After you are healed move her into a different living situation.
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Reply to brandee
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Also, don't risk your recovery on doing for her. My girlfriend was not supposed to lift over 5 pounds after gastro surgery. She lifted her grandchildren. She has a really serious hernia situation now.
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Reply to brandee
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MG8522 Jun 22, 2026
Yes, I know someone who went back to work too soon after surgery and got reinjured, extending the recovery time.
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Call one of the agencies and hire help. The agencies I used had 3 or 4 hour minimums.
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Reply to brandee
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Does she have a history of being verbally abuse? Does she have dementia?

Since you mention that this change in her behavior is ramped up, and considering she is an elder female, she may have a UTI. UTIs are extremely common in senior women, and are not caused by hygiene alone. They don't have symptoms other than behavioral or cognitive changes and often the senior themselves have no idea they have an infection.

I agree that you should hire help for yourself and stop thinking your Mom is going to be someone she probably never was and will never be. Once you're healed sufficiently you need to assess your living/caregiving arrangement. It may be time for her to transition into AL so that you can go on with your life while you still can.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You’ll just have to hire help for yourself. If she needs help, she can hire someone for herself. And then as soon as you’re able, tell her the arrangement is not working out anymore. If she lives in your home, she needs to leave. If you live in her home, you can move out. I’m sorry her selfishness is so extreme.
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