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My mom has CHF and also an abscess from diverticulitis. She has been in the hospital twice or have a drain put in and once hospitalized for CHF in the past 3 months. Now it looks like she is getting sick again with the abscess. I am the sole caregiver and I’m at a loss of what to do, My health is being affected and my marriage is being destroyed. She is 86, lives with me and has always been an unhappy person. She depends on me to do or help her do everything. Should I use hospice now?

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Move her asap to a suitable facility where she will get the full-time care she needs. You can consult with the staff about hospice. Get your marriage back on track, rest, and regain your health. Why is it worth destroying both of these for a person who has always been unhappy?
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Reply to MG8522
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I would get her into skilled nursing asap. They can give the round the clock care she needs. Ask her PCP’s office for help and referrals. If she needs hospice, that can also happens in skilled nursing. Start to take care of yourself and your relationship.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Promises made before we realize what we're promising don't count. Neither of you realized at the time how sick a person can get. Now you need to switch to a different mindset, which is "I promise to do the very best I can under the circumstances." No need to formalize this by discussing with mom. She's no longer the same person that she once was.

Bring hospice in and avail yourself of their advice. They'll suggest options, one of which may be that you don't treat any new abcess. It's so painful for her, and she has little probability of a normal life anymore. She's had a long life, and you've taken good care of her. Let her go quietly and in peace.

My husband is currently in hospice care. If his situation were like your mom's, that's what I would do. And that's what he would want me to do, which I know because we discussed it before he ever got sick.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Suzy23 20 hours ago
I agree 100%
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You can consider having her assessed for LTC in a good facility. Medicaid (plus her SS income) can cover the expense of staying there once she qualifies. Then, she can be on hospice there so you don't have to continue to do so much of the hands-on work. One thing people misunderstand is that hospice doesn't do that much in the home. My MIL was in an excellent LTC facility for 7 years, went onto hospice care there at the end and had as peaceful a passing as is possible.

Your Mom can go in on self pay until she is close to running out of money, then you apply for Medicaid for her. I'm so sorry for this situation. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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My dad had a long, slow decline with CHF and also frequently had diverticulitis. His doctor recommended hospice after a failed rehab and dad chose it for himself. It was a great help, but still a lot of work as hospice does not provide hands on help regularly. It did allow him to leave this world in comfort and peace. You’re making decisions out of a misguided promise and undeserved guilt. Both will serve as poor choices in helping anything. Your husband and family deserve better. Mom could go on a long while in this condition, or not, you don't control her outcomes. Once she’s gone, you may be left without a husband and strained relationships because of letting mom so dominate you. There are options to prevent this and guard your wellbeing. As is, this isn’t good for you or mom. Use her assets for her care and salvage your life. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Hospice is mainly comfort care. Have you thought about hospice care in a facility? This will be the best choice for everyone. If you are still chasing approval from your mother and all that you've received so far was snarkiness and disrespect, end of life is when some of us start detaching from our loved one and start making funeral arrangements. Hospice will offer grief counseling as well. What's happening right now is anticipatory grief. The grief feelings are very complex. If you belong to any religious or spiritual organizations, now would be the time to seek them out.

You need to seek peace for you and your husband. Please take his feelings into account.
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Reply to Scampie1
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I’m sorry you’re going through this, Tamtam. It’s a sad time. To me it sounds like it could be time for hospice. 😞
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Of course you should bring hospice on board now. And if your moms care is just too much for you as it sounds like it is, then hospice can assist you in finding the right facility for your mom to move into and where hospice can still look after her.
Please get your mom out of your house ASAP and start working on saving your marriage, as you married your husband, not your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I am of the belief that it is never to early to contact Hospice and ask for an evaluation to see if someone meets the Medicare guidelines.
The help, support and supplies and equipment that Hospice provides is immeasurable.
You have to be ready for the possibility that there will be no more surgery. there will be no more ER visits.
Hospice will treat infections.
The goal with Hospice is comfort.
I will say that if mom is cognizant this is also her decision to make. You might want to talk to her about the options. The Nurse that visits will also explain Hospice and what they will do and how they will help.
Has her doctor at all mentioned Hospice? Generally the doctor will refer to Hospice BUT a nurse can contact the doctor and get information and a verbal confirmation as to the diagnosis and other details.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Yes, get her evaluated for hospice as soon as you can. But also, find out what the hospice recommends in terms of where her care can be delivered.

Home hospice is generally a nurse once per week for half an hour (and for emergencies) and an aide twice per week to bathe them and do whatever else (change sheets, laundry). If you are at the end of your rope, this will not be enough. you either need additional time from aides (who will have to be paid, preferably from her funds) or residential hospice site. I recommend the latter. You can still visit her as much as you wish, generally even 24/7. They will call you if her status changes.

Everyone dies. It sounds like her time is coming soon. But you need to minimize the strain on YOURSELF and your marriage as your goal should be both survive her. If you are afraid she will hate you for doing what is best for everyone in this situation, it seems like her good opinion is really not worth having.

best wishes. You will get through this.
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Reply to Suzy23
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