I have not posted in a long time and I hope that my suggestions, advice, etc. have been helpful. I'm 61 and my mom is 92. My mom is in good overall health and doing well for being 92. My mom is obsessive when it comes to my health and she constantly asks about my blood pressure, doctor's visits, etc.
My PCP noticed some irregularities with my blood work and sent me for some testing. I just got the results back and I have stage 2 colon cancer. I'm floored beyond belief and about to start treatment. I have not told my mother and I'm trying to find a way to sit down with her and tell her without her becoming obsessed with my diagnosis. I also don't want to trigger her into a stroke or have her have a heart attack when she hears the news. I cannot think of a way to tell her that won't involve her coming completely unglued or having to go to the ER.
The treatment is going to be harsh, but I've been assured that it won't change my physical appearance drastically. I've lost about 20 pounds and my mom has noticed this and commented on this several times.
Should I tell her? Or just go get treatment and shut my mouth and keep her in ignorant bliss?
May The Lord give you strength, peace, courage and comfort during this hard trial.
May HE give your medical team wisdom, guidance and touch you with a complaint healing.
My ex had stage 4 colon cancer and 1 surgery, along with 1 year of chemo. He's been in remission now for 7 years. Clean PET scans all this time!
I have stage 4 melanoma myself. After 2 double rounds of immunotherapy, I've had 2 years of clean PET scans myself.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you move forward with your treatment plan.
I think as she is your mother, she deserves to know.
However, she's your mom and you know her best. Some cannot handle the news. I couldn't when my brother told me, but I think she deserves to know.
As regards your mother, that's a tough one. Does she have any dementia? Her obsession with your health must make life a bit difficult for you and you don't need that to get any worse while you are dealing with cancer and treatments. My inclination, if I was in your shoes, would be not to tell her right away, anyway. You have enough stress to deal with as it is.
You need to keep your energy for dealing with yourself and your recovery. Once the major part of the treatment is over (surgery? chemotherapy?) and you are getting your strength back, perhaps you could mention it to her then. Or perhaps not depending on how you are feeling and on how she is.
I agree with others this has to be about you and what is best for you.
So...bite the bullet and tell her.
Yes she will obsess. cuz she loves you and worries about you cuz that's what mom's do. I am sure she worries even if you are healthy.
OR
Wait for a bit and see what happens. If all goes well and you do feel fine and the prognosis is positive then you can decide not to tell her.
But if you do chose this route if you tell anyone and it gets back to your mom....
WOW..that places me right on the top rail of that fence!🤣
Many of us have to be very careful "telling the truth" to neurotic parents. Idk if OP has a neurotic mom, but if I recall his previous posts, she may well be a doozie 😑
Your diagnosis and treatment is about you , not your mother .
Later, when you know your prognosis, you could decide whether to tell mom, and how much.
I hope your treatment goes well and that you'll be back to update us soon.
I am fighting my second breast cancer. My first was when my daughter was about 20 years old; still needed me though out on her own. She is 63 now, and sure, she worries about me, particularly because we are a few states apart. But this is life. Worry is a part of love and it is a part of life, and so are illnesses.
I am here to wish you good luck. I know what treatments are, and what their side effects are, and the guilt of worrying our families, but this is something that comes to so many of us, and as you say, you deal with it. Because there's not much choice in that, right.
It is good to hear from you but I'm sad it about tough news.
Good luck, stay in contact, tell us how YOU are doing and how mom is bearing up worrying about you. She's a mom. It's what we do. And you're her "kid". It's what WE do.
Just read up on your diagnoses. There will be surgery? That would be hard to hide.
Unless you lose your hair, I would suggest not saying anything yet. Let her know your fighting a immune issue, not saying cancer, but you'll have bad days. This may help and hopefully you will beat the Beast. Good luck! ❤️🙏🤞
Ignorant bliss. I like that. It says it all ...
You will trigger her. How could she not be triggered? How could it not affect her spiritual, mental, physical and emotional health?
While I haven't been in your situation, this will break her heart - and what is the positive benefit(s) of that?
I would encourage you to gain support from others and when you visit your mom, you focus on her. Enjoy fully the time you have together.
The other thought I have is
"why are you asking if you should tell her"?
Are you feeling guilty if you don't mention it?
Guilty if you do?
What are your gut feelings telling you? Do you feel you owe her the truth?
If you decide not to mention it, tell her you had the flu or something and lost some weight. Ultimately, you will (need to) do what your instincts tell you to do. I certainly wouldn't tell my mother - if I had been put in this situation.
I can only imagine what my mother would have experienced had she been alive when my sister was assaulted and almost died.
Still, we aren't in your shoes. You will find the courage and wisdom within. Trust it.
Gena / Touch Matters
Read everything, absorb it all, but don’t take advice from anyone - follow your heart. The mother-daughter bond is a very special one, and only you know your familial dynamic and your unique relationship. I am going to guess that you may also need your mom at this time, and perhaps she can offer you comfort as no one else can. She may surprise you with her response. But you’re the only one who can assess that. Despite their age-related, dementia-enhanced self-absorption, they still know they are moms even though we may not have been treating them as one. Let her be your mom while she still can. We are so vigilant about protecting our elderly loved one that we often neglect the care that we need, and sometimes that is just the emotional support of someone who loves us deeply. God bless you, and prayers for healing.
My sister was diagnosed in 2021 with breast cancer and my mom was so torn over it. She’s so afraid that it will recur even though after radiation treatment my sister has been declared cancer free.
My brother was diagnosed with MALT lymphoma in 2024. We chose not to tell my mom. He is the youngest and only son of the three of us. I know it would destroy my mom. I went with him for all his appointments. We knew it would not alter his appearance or that my mom would notice anything wrong. He went through treatments just fine and has been declared cancer free.
Last year, her younger brother was diagnosed with throat cancer, then lung cancer and passed away. She was so destroyed when she found out he had cancer.
My personal thoughts after having gone through these experiences with her, if it’s not necessary, I would spare her from what it may do to her.
Sending Hugs 🤗