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I have not posted in a long time and I hope that my suggestions, advice, etc. have been helpful. I'm 61 and my mom is 92. My mom is in good overall health and doing well for being 92. My mom is obsessive when it comes to my health and she constantly asks about my blood pressure, doctor's visits, etc.


My PCP noticed some irregularities with my blood work and sent me for some testing. I just got the results back and I have stage 2 colon cancer. I'm floored beyond belief and about to start treatment. I have not told my mother and I'm trying to find a way to sit down with her and tell her without her becoming obsessed with my diagnosis. I also don't want to trigger her into a stroke or have her have a heart attack when she hears the news. I cannot think of a way to tell her that won't involve her coming completely unglued or having to go to the ER.


The treatment is going to be harsh, but I've been assured that it won't change my physical appearance drastically. I've lost about 20 pounds and my mom has noticed this and commented on this several times.


Should I tell her? Or just go get treatment and shut my mouth and keep her in ignorant bliss?

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I just survived colon cancer treatments & surgery. Please see my comments on your other post on this topic.
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I’m sorry for your diagnosis and wish you the best. My mom is going to be 92 in August and is in fairly good health, just mild dementia. She lives with me.

My sister was diagnosed in 2021 with breast cancer and my mom was so torn over it. She’s so afraid that it will recur even though after radiation treatment my sister has been declared cancer free.

My brother was diagnosed with MALT lymphoma in 2024. We chose not to tell my mom. He is the youngest and only son of the three of us. I know it would destroy my mom. I went with him for all his appointments. We knew it would not alter his appearance or that my mom would notice anything wrong. He went through treatments just fine and has been declared cancer free.

Last year, her younger brother was diagnosed with throat cancer, then lung cancer and passed away. She was so destroyed when she found out he had cancer.

My personal thoughts after having gone through these experiences with her, if it’s not necessary, I would spare her from what it may do to her.

Sending Hugs 🤗
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I would not tell her anything. If you must, just say you are having some upset stomach issues. You have caught this in time. My hubs recovered from stage 3 colon cancer. We did a few holistic things as well to keep his immune system built up to fight the disease. We did juicing fresh fruits and vegetables, Airbourne vitamins (fizzy tablet you drop into a glass of water)twice a day, and Japanese Mushroom Immunity Complex which has been used for years in Japan to cure cancer. Keeping the immune system built up is key. Cut out all sugar and carbs that turn into sugar, (bread, rice, potatoes, wheat and grains) as sugar feeds cancer. Also, getting lots of rest is important. All will be well. Sending you healing vibes.
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I’m so sorry to hear your news; this unfortunately seems to be the case so often - that the caregiver is the one who gets sick. I understand, and have been there.

Read everything, absorb it all, but don’t take advice from anyone - follow your heart. The mother-daughter bond is a very special one, and only you know your familial dynamic and your unique relationship. I am going to guess that you may also need your mom at this time, and perhaps she can offer you comfort as no one else can. She may surprise you with her response. But you’re the only one who can assess that. Despite their age-related, dementia-enhanced self-absorption, they still know they are moms even though we may not have been treating them as one. Let her be your mom while she still can. We are so vigilant about protecting our elderly loved one that we often neglect the care that we need, and sometimes that is just the emotional support of someone who loves us deeply. God bless you, and prayers for healing.
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I’m sorry to learn about your difficult situation. Life happens in very difficult times. If you feel uncomfortable telling your mom about your health news, a social worker may help both of you accept this news. If your mom depends on your care, she is going to suspect something is wrong anyway when you feel weak after surgery and undergoing chemo treatments.
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JHallDenton. My heart goes out to you, too, in what you are going through.
Ignorant bliss. I like that. It says it all ...

You will trigger her. How could she not be triggered? How could it not affect her spiritual, mental, physical and emotional health?

While I haven't been in your situation, this will break her heart - and what is the positive benefit(s) of that?

I would encourage you to gain support from others and when you visit your mom, you focus on her. Enjoy fully the time you have together.

The other thought I have is
"why are you asking if you should tell her"?
Are you feeling guilty if you don't mention it?
Guilty if you do?
What are your gut feelings telling you? Do you feel you owe her the truth?

If you decide not to mention it, tell her you had the flu or something and lost some weight. Ultimately, you will (need to) do what your instincts tell you to do. I certainly wouldn't tell my mother - if I had been put in this situation.

I can only imagine what my mother would have experienced had she been alive when my sister was assaulted and almost died.

Still, we aren't in your shoes. You will find the courage and wisdom within. Trust it.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Jhalldenton: As she possesses an uncanny sense, perhaps you should tell her.
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You need to do what is best for you. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer while my mom was living with us. I was already researching IL apartments for her and, frankly, the diagnosis helped with my decision and telling her that it was time for her to move out. I needed all my energy and my husband’s focus on getting me through whatever was coming. But my mom is a bit of a princess and avoids thinking about uncomfortable things (she couldn’t even say breast or cancer), so she never asks how I am, etc, and only worries that her life will be disrupted if I predecease her. That is, when I bring it up. In your case it may be the opposite so you need to decide what is best for you. Will she need your energy and support to cope with your diagnosis or can someone else be designated to “handle” her? If it’s all on you, think carefully about whether you want to spend your precious energy on her not on yourself. I stopped telling people about my diagnosis who weren’t in my innermost circle because I couldn’t manage dealing with any more emotions. BTW my treatment is pills only and I’m doing great 3+ years later and mom is just fine, now in AL.
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JanPeck123 Jul 6, 2025
So glad you are doing better ShirleyDot.
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I had stage 3 breast cancer while my mother lives with us. Luckily she hadn't progressed with her memory issues yet.
Unless you lose your hair, I would suggest not saying anything yet. Let her know your fighting a immune issue, not saying cancer, but you'll have bad days. This may help and hopefully you will beat the Beast. Good luck! ❤️🙏🤞
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Do you need to use the C word. Can you just say they found your iron level is down so you will be tired until they can get it back to normal? You really don't need her bugging you all day. For me, my diagnoses would be private.

Just read up on your diagnoses. There will be surgery? That would be hard to hide.
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Support to you. I think I'd start treatments and then tell her after you are up to it if you are up to telling her.
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Yes, as this is something she already worries about, you should tell her. Have a social worker with you if you are able, or a trusted admin where she is. Tell her you have it and you will be treated, and all such treatments are tough but you are up to it, and there will be days you don't feel great and won't be visiting, but this is life and on you go.

I am fighting my second breast cancer. My first was when my daughter was about 20 years old; still needed me though out on her own. She is 63 now, and sure, she worries about me, particularly because we are a few states apart. But this is life. Worry is a part of love and it is a part of life, and so are illnesses.

I am here to wish you good luck. I know what treatments are, and what their side effects are, and the guilt of worrying our families, but this is something that comes to so many of us, and as you say, you deal with it. Because there's not much choice in that, right.

It is good to hear from you but I'm sad it about tough news.
Good luck, stay in contact, tell us how YOU are doing and how mom is bearing up worrying about you. She's a mom. It's what we do. And you're her "kid". It's what WE do.
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Tflowers Jul 6, 2025
❤️💪🙏
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I am so sorry to hear this! Thinking of you.
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That's a really difficult situation, and I'm sorry about your diagnosis. Since mom is obsessive about your health, I wouldn't mention it. What good could come of it? And you've already figured out what the bad results would be. Her being unglued would make more problems for you, no? Don't do that to yourself.

Later, when you know your prognosis, you could decide whether to tell mom, and how much.

I hope your treatment goes well and that you'll be back to update us soon.
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I think you need to do whatever is best for you.
Your diagnosis and treatment is about you , not your mother .
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She will notice as you begin treatment. (while it may not alter your appearance you will be tired and with most treatments you probably should not be around a lot of people. You do not mention if mom is in a facility or not but that might curtail your visits)
So...bite the bullet and tell her.
Yes she will obsess. cuz she loves you and worries about you cuz that's what mom's do. I am sure she worries even if you are healthy.
OR
Wait for a bit and see what happens. If all goes well and you do feel fine and the prognosis is positive then you can decide not to tell her.
But if you do chose this route if you tell anyone and it gets back to your mom....

WOW..that places me right on the top rail of that fence!🤣
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lealonnie1 Jul 1, 2025
My mother felt she had to show me her worry constantly as a "sign of love". What it did was drive me crazy, not show me "love". When a person is facing cancer, what they need is strength and positivity from loved ones, not to see them hysterical and falling apart, imo. Bc then WE have to waste energy soothing THEM when WE are the ones who need soothing.

Many of us have to be very careful "telling the truth" to neurotic parents. Idk if OP has a neurotic mom, but if I recall his previous posts, she may well be a doozie 😑
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It sounds like you have a close relationship with your mother. I think she would want to know, even if it meant that it made her worry. She is going to notice - she already has - and that may be even worse for her than hearing the truth. Once the initial shock has worn off, she may surprise you and be a source of strength and encouragement. You do not have to be the strong one all of the time. Give her a chance to be a mother to you; it's okay to cry. If you do decide to be honest with her, let her know what you need from her along the way.
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I am so sorry for your diagnosis, but glad the disease has been caught in time for a good outlook for you, as I understand it.

As regards your mother, that's a tough one. Does she have any dementia? Her obsession with your health must make life a bit difficult for you and you don't need that to get any worse while you are dealing with cancer and treatments. My inclination, if I was in your shoes, would be not to tell her right away, anyway. You have enough stress to deal with as it is.

You need to keep your energy for dealing with yourself and your recovery. Once the major part of the treatment is over (surgery? chemotherapy?) and you are getting your strength back, perhaps you could mention it to her then. Or perhaps not depending on how you are feeling and on how she is.

I agree with others this has to be about you and what is best for you.
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I'm so sorry to hear. I understand you wanting to hold back this information from her. When my dad was diagnosed, he withheld it at first. He couldn't or didn't want to tell me. My brother told me.
I think as she is your mother, she deserves to know.
However, she's your mom and you know her best. Some cannot handle the news. I couldn't when my brother told me, but I think she deserves to know.
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Don't tell mom if you think she's going to fall apart or die from the news. But if you're losing a lot of weight and undergoing treatment, how can you explain that away? In my mother's case, I could never tell her bad news because she'd turn her fear and upset into MY problem and drive me crazy with phone calls and her chronic worry. You're going to need your wits about you now to fight the dragon, so do what's best for YOU. That's the best advice I can give you.

My ex had stage 4 colon cancer and 1 surgery, along with 1 year of chemo. He's been in remission now for 7 years. Clean PET scans all this time!

I have stage 4 melanoma myself. After 2 double rounds of immunotherapy, I've had 2 years of clean PET scans myself.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you move forward with your treatment plan.
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Fawnby Jun 30, 2025
Could explain weight loss due to Wegovy. Then if prognosis isn't good, decide whether to break it to mom.
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Oh JH, I am truly sorry for your diagnosis.

May The Lord give you strength, peace, courage and comfort during this hard trial.

May HE give your medical team wisdom, guidance and touch you with a complaint healing.
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