How do you stay patient with your parent?
My mother broke a hip in August and later had a hospitalization for an unrelated condition. She is making a lot of progress and I find that she is driving me more crazy now that she is "better." She wants to do dumb things like not use her walker. And she is dying to get back in the kitchen and cook, even though a doctor in the hospital thought she shouldn't, because he thought she had cognitive problems -- actually I don't agree with that. She is the WORST housekeeper. I hate when she gets in the kitchen because things get so greasy and dirty in her care, It was getting nice and clean under my care. She is also the WORST conversationalist. She has always had this very, very annoying style of draaaaaaging out a story and talking about really trivial things in the most minute detail. You just want to die of boredom listening to her. I work evenings, and when I got back to her apartment tonight at midnight, she wanted to have a big long conversation with me because we had had an argument earlier in the day. She is very hard of hearing and refuses to wear a hearing aid (even though she used to work for a hearing aid sales company) -- so I have to practically shout to be heard. I just got so tired of going over the same point over and over and I did not want to wake up her neighbors in the duplex unit next door. So finally I gave up and just let her hug me. I admit, I am a really shut-down person and I hate to talk about personal things and hug people. Being with her can be awful for me. So much baggage. She was the WORST alcoholic when she was younger and her 2nd husband was a child molester and in general an asshole. I avoided her for a good 15 years of my adult life, but decided after her husband died to help her out and it has been just one thing after another. I helped her get out of credit card debt (still working on it), helped her sell her house and move into a safe apartment, have helped her with her stinky dog. I've sunk thousands of dollars and hours into "helping" her and -- you guessed it -- it NEVER seems like enough. Sheesh. How do you not lose your mind dealing with someone who has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness and is in cognitive decline anyway from old age and TIAs, etc. etc. etc. Help!
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The messiness I can so relate to. I haven't been able to figure out why my mother can't close cabinets or throw trash in garbage can. I don't know why she stashes garbage and dirty dishes under the table by her chair. I don't know why she sticks her chewed gum on the remote control or why she uses 10 glasses a day, never taking any of them to the kitchen sink. But she does this and I go behind her cleaning up. Does anyone remember Sherman and Peabody on the Rocky-Bullwinkle Show? I feel like the guy that follows the parade at the start of that cartoon, cleaning up all the poop and confetti. It's irritating, but just the way it is and not worth the energy to fuss about.
I just thought about why I don't bother to fuss about things anymore around here. It must be something to do with the evolution of a cg.
I don't know if it's worse to grow up with an abusive parent or a decent one who will not stop reminding you how much she did for you as a child, and how wonderful her own parents were, and "my people would never do anything like that", such as yell at neighbors. And all the while I'm determined to keep my mouth shut. You can only talk about family and memories so much before you burn out.
Jessiebelle -- actually my mom is very, very neat and puts things in exact places and gets very annoyed when something is new or out of place. BUT -- she doesn't wipe things up. Her idea of washing the dishes is rinsing them and there is still crud on them and she puts them away wet. Her old house was swarming with black ants in the kitchen. I was able to exterminate them myself once I moved her out of the house and into the apartment. Same here in the apartment -- she started getting the little red ants in the kitchen. But once I started wiping up and doing things the right way, they died out. GROSS.
And PandaRosa, despite all that, my mother would say little digs if I didn't wash the dishes right away. I am used to leaving them in the sink or throwing them in the dishwasher, but she doesn't have a dishwasher. Oh cripes, I would make myself late for work washing dishes so I wouldn't have to hear her grumbling.
So that's why I don't want her to cook. One, I don't want her to burn the place down or scald herself. Two, she'll just get grease and crumbs all over the place again and draw bugs.
ADHD -- how sad your mother was like that. My mom was not super abusive of me, though she was abusive toward one of my brothers. My mother was very, very neglectful of me though when I was preteens, teens because she was passed-out drunk all the time. Nice. And her husbands, well, that's another barrel of crazy. But anybody who meets my mother nowadays thinks she's a sweet old lady. Ha!
Just a note about the ants. I found out that cinnamon is great at keeping ants away. I hate using harsh chemicals ( dog, cats and kid) so I would sprinkle plain old cinnamon around the window that some ants were getting into when it rained and it really worked. You can sprinkle it in cabinets too though it looks messy but it will keep the ants away safely.
Debbie -- My mom has also had the "mini-strokes" and I think that's when her hearing started to diminish. Before that, she could hear a whisper in the next building. ha ha. It also affected her eyesight. Some of the other stuff though is just "her way" though maybe getting worse with old age. I am thinking I am going to have to cut my mom off from access to her checking account. I might just give her one of those Visa or Mastercard gift cards and tell her to have at it with her catalogs and such -- just to make my life easier when I am trying to manage her finances. I do not like managing her money, I don't feel I'm good at it!!!