Suggestions on manging the guilt I feel over my elderly foather being lonely?

Stop asking about his plans. Stop taking on his entertainment as your mission. Accept no guilt for his choices. Dad can make it different for himself. That puts him far ahead of so many. My dad rebuilt life after losing my mom. He called friends he’d long lost touch with. He volunteered. He joined a dinner group. He went to church. He sent cards to everyone for every occasion. In short, he made the effort. None of which I could have done for him. Your dad is choosing his path, time for you to choose acceptance. I wish you both peace

According to your profile you are looking after both your mother with dementia and father. Is your mother still in the home, as you don't mention her at all in your post?
And while your profile doesn't say that you're living with your parents, the fact that you put your post under "Multi-generational Living" tells me you are.
Your father seems quite content to just sit and be and hang out with his dog, so why does that bother you so? You do NOT have to be at his beck and call, yet you choose to be and then get mad at him because you haven't learned how to use the word NO yet.
It's time to teach your father how to order his own groceries to be delivered and how to call for an Uber if he needs to go somewhere, that is if he's not driving anymore.
And then it's probably time to think about moving out and letting him figure out life by himself, or with your mother if she's still in the home. You can still check on him/them once a week if you want to, but I certainly wouldn't do anymore than that, as it really doesn't sound like he needs you to be there full-time anyway. Or at least by what you've shared.
As long as you continue to enable your father he will never step up tp do for himself. So let's start today by using that 2 letter word NO when he wants you to do something for him that he can do for himself, and see just how much better you will feel.
And the fact that you say in your profile that your parents didn't plan for their retirement well, does NOT mean that you are their retirement plan. If money is an issue then they'll have to apply for Medicaid and if your mother is still in the home with dementia, she may in time have to be placed in a Medicaid facility.
You are NOT responsible for your parents. Apparently your sister has already figured that out by moving many miles away.
Now it's your turn to figure that out as well.
I wish you well in doing just that.

Stop worrying about how he will entertain himself in your absence. Did he worry about how you would be entertained as a kid when he was at work?

Hire a male sitter to come in and look after dad while you're gone. Take the dog when you leave.

The sitter knows how to play checkers, work the TV remote, and take dad for a ride in the car. The dog can't do any of those things.

You and dad need more time apart. Consider divorcing him. You never signed on to be his dog-and-pony show in the first place. Good luck with making the changes you need! Stop thinking so much and DO!

I can relate. I also did a LOT of running around for Mom when she lived in her apartment. One thing that worked well was to take her with me for car rides while I did her errands. She wasn’t mobile enough to walk around in the stores, but enjoyed going for drives (much more stimulating than sitting around by herself in her apartment ). It combined a visit (we chatted in the car) with getting necessary things done. She enjoyed getting out. When I dropped her off afterward, I didn’t feel so guilty about wanting to get on with my own day knowing that she had just had an outing.

I wanted to add: try not to feel guilty. You are doing the best that you can.

"retraining him" your therapist is kidding, right. When a person is elderly, the saying "you can't teach anold dog new tricks" comes to mind.

Like others have said, you don't have to do for him. Do not disable him. If he can make a sandwich, then don't you. Whatever his is capable of, he does it. When my Mom stayed with my sister for 8 months during her chemo treatmemts we found how much Dad could do for himself that Mom had done for him. He was 69 and on disability for 17 yrs. I and my Uncle checked on him but he was on his own the rest of the time. He lived.

You have a lot on your plate. Your daughter is #1. Getting a job if you don't have one yetbis a priority because your Social Security future earning are important. Dadvneed to know he is thevthe center of your world.

My mom lived down the street from me... alone after my dad had to be moved into memory care (he eventually passed). He was moved out of the house 8.5 years ago. Mom then sat in the house with the curtains drawn, refusing to even speak with the neighbors, unplugged her phone from the wall, drank wine all day. I would stop by every day, often multiple times a day, with a big smile & song & dance, etc. She made no effort and it would only improve things for an hour or so.

Here we are 8+ years later, she is in assisted living, and guess who ruined my entire morning today with her phone calls? She's sad, lonely, and wants to move (again... this is her third assisted living facility in 5 years). She is waiting for some magical event to bring her happiness. It drains me. The stress of it all, shouldering so much for two needy parents.

First it damaged my mental health. Then it damaged my career. Then it damaged my marriage. And then guess what? I was diagnosed with cancer in 2024 (age 57). After chemo and surgery, it appears I will be OK. Guess who has already forgotten about that? My mom who calls me multiple times per day to dump her unhappiness on me. So set your boundaries before it's too late!

First if you are doing things FOR him that he can do for himself....STOP.
Is there an Adult Day program in your area? If so get him enrolled in that. Typically they come and pick a participant up in the morning and bring them home in the late afternoon. A breakfast, lunch, snack are provided. There are activities sometimes outings. Many also have art therapy, music therapy as well.

If there are things that need to be done around the house give him a few tasks that he has to do. This will give him some motivation.

Sitting around and not being interested can be a sign of depression so you should talk to his doctor about that possibility. In many cases a referral for depression is not necessary and most therapists will try to get someone in in a very short period of time, they do not want to delay treatment if there is a possible mental illness. (this includes depression)

Birdee, I accepted the fact that I didn't cause this. I didn't force Mom to alienate herself from her family, and friends, and live in the country with no one around, or to stop driving when my dad retired. I don't do any of that, this is not my fault, so why did I take the job of being my mom's entertainment and slave?? I have to tell myself this all the time, especially when the guilt feeling creep up there nasty little head again.

So try to remember, you did not cause this, this is poor planning on your dad, you deserve a life, with no guilt!!

Thanks everyone. If you have suggestions for HOW to lean into him doing things for himself, I would appreciate it. I'm using language like:

"I'm thinking about a snack, would you like to get one for yourself?" and "I would appreciate it if you would rinse your dishes when you put them in the sink.", but he wasn't even aware that he's doing less now than he was when he lived with my mom. He even put me in PLACE of my mom this morning when I asked him to explain something he'd said and got really upset when I told him I wasn't her and wouldn't be her.

I'm so grateful for the continued encouragement. It has been and continues to be, toxic with my parents. I knew that moving him in with me was NOT IDEAL. I even told my therapist that I was scared to do it, but don't feel I had any other choice. I wasn't wrong, but unless he moves to assisted living, which he will guilt me for all of eternity for doing, because I'm shunting him off because he's a burden, this is our reality.

I DO worry about this therapist of yours.
She/he should have long ago explained to you that guilt requires causation. That you cannot take on guilt for something over which you do not have control, didn't cause and cannot cure. That is quite basic. Are you certain there is some sort of psychology degree going here?

Words that you tell your own head have great power. The therapist should have explained that to you as well. Using the wrong word cements into your brain the wrong self-diagnosis and it does self-harm. Which makes you "your own worst enemy; because who needs DAD for that?"
The G-work you want is "grief". Grief that you are mired in habitually behavior, and both you and Dad are in misery because of a refusal to try different pathways.

You are in far too fragile a state mentally at this time to be dealing with a man who has likely manipulated you like a puppet your entire life, in my own opinion. Many parents, like your Dad, simply weren't capable of good parenting. That you choose to stay there IS a kind of self harm. I wish that your therapist were a good deal more blunt and honest with you, because I think you are following life-habits formed over many years.

You are, as I said, now an adult. Whatever harm was done to you as a child is very sad, and something you will carry as a memory for the rest of your life, but staying mired in old habits and ways of responding? THAT is YOUR CHOICE. When such a Dad said to me, "So what are you going to do the rest of your night" I would have about 40 responses at the ready, all delivered gently, and with a smile and a laugh. Try these on for size:
"Well, I have about thirty invites for dinner. Going to close my eyes and choose one, and have a swell time".
"Thought I would binge watch the old Sopranos program, starting with Season One"
"Enjoy the silence"
"Plan my move to Alaska"
"Look at Cruise brochures. How about you?"

Your therapist is correct that your father is being enabled by you.
And that is something you, as an adult, are choosing to do. No one "guilts" you. You do that to yourself.
As to being with Dad so frequently? Remember the old saying that gets kicked around here often: "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions".

When you are able to respond to your father's habits and manipulation with a sad smile and get on with your OWN LIFE, you will know you are OK.

There are some companion services that can come by for a few hours, which can be helpful-from just sitting with the person, taking the person out to walk around the store, go out to lunch, transporting to an appointment, or just be in the house and available, as needed. I have had success with Seniors Helping Seniors in my area. Also, don’t let the name fool you-there are adults of all ages who work for the group.

Do Not ask him "what are you going to do while I'm gone tonight?" Just say you're going and goodbye. I had to go through the same thing with my mom. Explain and worry what is she going to think/feel.

With therapy I learned it is NOT my job to make my mother happy. That is her job. I provided her with good books [I buy them weekly at Goodwill} , crosswords etc {buy them at Dollar tree} and a tv with an easy remote. No more guilt for me.

This is not a cruise and you are not his social director. Just let him figure it out.

The way I see it caregivers are responsible for care and safety. If he sits on his bum all day, so be it.

Stop feeling guilty and thinking you need to solve all his problems and tap dance to keep him happy.

hanging out with the dog is fine btw - most people who have dogs do it daily... you are worrying needlessly. You offer and if he doesnt want to do it - let him be. If you send him fortherapy - yes it may not help but say then again it may and you may enjoy it - so lets give it a try yeah then have a treat for when he comes home - maybe - oh lets have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit so he looks forward to something - a nice treat is always welcomed?
Guilt is something you need to move away from. Its an unhealthy emotion and pointless. You do what you can - and thats the end of it. Best wishes.

As one expert (I believe it was John Bradshaw) described it:

Guilt is when your behavior conflicts with your values. The options to rid yourself of the guilt are either adjust your actions or adjust your values.

Do you need to please your father's every wishes?

Perhaps you could make clear to your father what you are capable and willing to do. Then have a discussion with him, if that seems like it could be useful.

I think there is a way to be empathetic without feeling guilty. I'm not saying it is always easy, particularly with people we are close to, but setting boundaries can be very helpful for everyone concerned.

Helping Your Dad Stay Engaged

It’s clear how much you care, and I want to say first that you’re doing so much already. I know this situation is complicated—you’re trying to give him space to be more independent, but at the same time he’s leaning on you in ways that feel both subtle and heavy. That push-and-pull is very real, and it’s completely normal to feel conflicted.

Therapy can absolutely help, especially if he warms up to it over time. But there are also other ways to support him in the meantime—small things that can gently nudge him toward more autonomy and purpose. Here are a few ideas that have worked for me in a similar situation:
1. Create a Simple Routine
Even a loose schedule—meals at the same time, a walk in the morning, a small task after lunch—can give him structure and a sense of control.
2. Encourage Purposeful Activities
This could be something like sorting old photos, helping with small chores, watering plants, or prepping part of dinner. If it feels like it “matters,” it can help him feel useful rather than idle.
3. Give Him a Role
Sometimes assigning a task (“Can you be in charge of making sure the dog gets walked at 4?”) helps someone feel more needed and less sidelined.
4. Reframe the Alone Time
You might gently shift the narrative from “you’re leaving him” to “he gets his own time.” Some people respond well to something like, “Enjoy the peace and quiet—I’ll be back at 9.”
5. Light Social Touchpoints
Even a quick check-in from a neighbor, a phone call with an old friend, or a short visit from someone else can ease the pressure on you to be his only connection.
These aren’t cures, but sometimes just one or two small changes can help someone feel more engaged.

You really are doing your best in a very tough situation, and I admire how thoughtful you’re being about all of it.

You're really stuck having moved your dad into your home....not your fault....but harder to deal with for sure. Therapy probably won't help your dad....and like others said, not sure your therapist has helped your needs that much. You do have a tough situation though, so in that regard I'll give your therapist a break. Your dad probably won't budge and go to adult day care or other activities out of the house either. He's been waiting on his whole life and that won't change. If he's going to remain in your home, your only choice is to get outside services coming in. Check your county Office of Aging to get that started. Your dad's income will dictate how much cost of that service will be picked up by the county...maybe all of it. On top of that you can hire private visitors too through local agencies, but that will be out of pocket costs. Not sure if your dad's health is bad enough for county free services though....he has to be unable to do for himself basically. I'm talking in circles....sorry. Does your dad have any savings/income? I know it's impossible to kick him out....since you invited him in. This is extreme, but might be necessary. Tell your dad he can remain in your house but YOU are leaving. He will need to pay you rent and cover all his other living expenses, including private visiting aides, grocery delivery, utilities, etc. Meanwhile with his rent money, you rent yourself an apartment, and consider a new therapist too..not to be mean....you need one like us all who really helps you and addresses your guilt. The only way you can take a hard stand with someone like your dad, is to leave the environment yourself....otherwise your emotional state will continue to decline very rapidly. You need a safe haven to call your own....an hour or two out with your friends isn't enough. Not having to even look at your dad's face while he lays guilt out of the side of his mouth is your best chance of your own recovery. You must limit your time with him and that's impossible with him living WITH you.

Does he live with you, or do you live with him? If it is his home, you might want to start now at looking for him a future place to stay or a live in helper when he is no longer able to care for himself. If it is your home, I would encourage you to find a local community center, church, senior center, YMCA, etc. you can drop him at twice a week. He will complain and balk, but it will be better for both of you. Each week I ask my mom what she did in her care home and she declares she is bored, but I look at the photos from the activities director and they keep her pretty busy on days they can talk her into joining in. She gets her nails done, plays bingo, goes to Bible study, listens to live music, etc. If I didn't see the photos I wouldn't know how much fun she had at them.

Good Morning,

What about a day or morning respite program where your dad is picked up and brought to a center they have activities lunch other people. Try to find one in the neighborhood. Start out with just one morning per week and see how it goes.

I know it 's hard because you have so much to think about all the time but these places are needed.

Thank you all for these posts. I'm still trying to figure out how to maneuver this forum, so I hope it's okay to reply to your post here.

I am in the same boat as you with my husband. My therapist has told me over and over that I am not in charge of his "entertainment". We live in a very rural community with very limited resources/services. I used to expend a lot of energy trying to meet his "entertainment" needs, but it somehow always backfired, or he refused. He has more health issues than your father, so he is limited on what he can/can't do. But I have continued telling him that he needs to try to stay as independent as possible if he wants to remain at home. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Good luck to you and I empathize with you. Six years of living with this takes a toll. I'm just now learning to have my boundaries with him.

Thanks for sharing your struggles. You have managed the first level of 'awareness' and now wonder what to do. Guilt is a strong emotion and it could also be that you feel ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed or stupid. Maybe all of these? What do you do with those feelings?

I would remind you that you have a certain attachment style with your father from growing up as a child. Has your father dealt with you this way from little on? Giving you two different messages does not give you the freedom to decide for yourself.

I do not like the word 'retraining'. I think of this in terms of a dog or maybe small child but not an elderly adult parent. Can you think of it in terms of 'setting boundaries'? What I mean is set boundaries for yourself not on the other person.

Remember you can never change another person but only yourself. My therapist had we write down and repeat, "I am not responsible for other emotions, responses, or choice? I have agency and they have agency." Now the challenge is what do you need to do?

You mentioned that "you run around like a chicken with his head cut off". What do you mean by this? Do you really make decisions for yourself or are you letting others decide what you should or should not do? It's hard to learn to make one's own decisions. I know this has been a huge challenge for me.

Have you seen the movie Runaway Bride? In the story Julia Roberts' character changes how she likes to eat her eggs depending on who she is dating. Finally she sits down and decides for herself how she likes to eat her eggs.

What would you like to see your relationship with your Father to be? It isn't up to him to change but for you to decide what you want and how to go about setting your own boundaries.

Saying all this, it is hard work and it is a process!!!I suggest you work with your therapist or maybe a different therapist on how you can make your own decisions and best set boundaries with your Father and others around you.

You can do it with the help of others. Be courageous!

Just be honest. Say you are getting burnt out with his care and need a break. Look at services in your area that he could attend to meet other people in similar situations and give him choices. If he does not take them up that’s on him. Elderly parents expect far too much from their adult children and can be extremely selfish at times.Ive been there, I’ve advised my daughter that when I’m old she should move far enough away so I can’t depend on her for help, she’s 22 and has her own life to live.

It sounds like your Mom took care of his every need when she was well, and now he is looking to you to do the same.
You have no obligation to keep your Dad busy and happy. That is his responsibility.
I know the tremendous tasks you are facing as you build your confidence and change into a version of yourself that you like and respect.
Have you told your Dad that your emotional plate is full dealing with the aftermath of your divorce, your daily needs of your daughter and your Mom in memory care?
If not, you should. Let him know that in order for this living situation to work well for both of you, you will need his help. Then give him a few daily tasks that he can do that would actually help you. Maybe it's helping your daughter with something when she gets out of school, or doing a load of laundry, or prepping a salad for dinner. Something. I am hoping that being honest with him and letting him know that you need his help now will change the dynamic.

Sounds like he would greatly benefit from a volunteer, friend, neighbor - some socialization so you can get a break and he can still have some companionship - than he will, most undoubtedly moan and groan about ("I don't want anyone here"...) However, I would get someone(s) in there and just be with him, and let dad take the lead. He can scream at them ... they listen with reflective compassion ("I hear you are feeling ..." "Sounds like you want xxx" without judgment.

If he has any interests, all the better to hook him in. Gardening? flowers? art? puzzles? Whatever he once enjoyed, see if an/other/s can encourage these things. Slowly. No pushing.

Perhaps once you realize that another person cannot guilt trip you, you will be able to make a choice in how you feel to this (your) automatic response. If 100 people were in your shoes, there could / would be 100 different responses. I do not mean to under-estimate the pull of feeling guilt - although it will help you to separate out his behavior/responses to you and your own feelings.

And, guilt, along with lots of other feelings are often deep rooted in the relationship over decades, if not since you were a child - and now you are triggered by him. While this is understandable, you need to realize that you can shift your feelings.

One way I would do it:

When you feel guilt, consider your automatic response.
Then, ask yourself: "how can I reframe my response / automatic feelings just now?"

By just asking yourself this question, you are opening the door to shifting how you feel. This, in part, is COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY... which I've found invaluable over the decades. Google it. There are incredible DVDs available - used to be offered through The Great Courses, which is closed now although these DVDs are readily available on line.

I would write this down (different brain pathways work differently when thinking and writing). Have three (or more) columns:

What he said
My automatic response (feeling)
My reframing (feeling/thoughts).

Sounds like you really need to get some help in there so you can have some down or off time. We all need respites.

Perhaps you are grieving for him and what he is losing.
Perhaps you've never felt 'good enough' and playing out this 'self-image' / self assessment without realizing it. Awareness is the path to change. It is the first step - which includes SELF COMPASSION.

It sounds like he is both frustrated, angry, depressed. We do not know what his medical or psychological issues are. Perhaps medication assessment would help him. Its horrible to be depressed, in pain, unable to do what one wants to do, esp as one ages. Its hard for any one of us to be in this state. Who here hasn't experience all this?

If I were you, I would consider giving myself some 'room' (mentally, emotionally and psychologically) realizing that he can and IS making his own decisions. It is then a matter of you letting go ... realizing you did / doing all you can. You are NOT responsible for his decision making for himself IF he is considered medically of sound mind.

Explore some separation from him. All (?) your feelings / behaviors are bound up in / intertwined in his decisions, feelings, etc. By doing some of the above, you will give yourself some room. Figure out how to unbundle step by step... All through self-compassion.

Gena / Touch Matters

You can't make someone else happy. Your dad is in charge of his own emotions and responses to his life as you are of yours. Both of you have choices. It's not your fault if he is not happy. If he chooses to just "hang out with the dog" so be it. I agree a companion, or some exercise therapy would be good for him or a trip to a seniors center, or helping you around the house. But he has to agree with these. if he doesn't, you can't force him. Is he open to any of these?

It may be time for you to consider more on what would make you happy or at least less stressed and concentrate on putting those things in place. Caregivers need breaks and time for themselves.

First, it's not your job to entertain your father.
It sounds like he lives with you (?)

You will probably have to help push him to do more, as he doesn't seem to know what steps to take. He just looks to you for to ease his boredom because you are the closest and easiest for him to access.

Here are some suggestions for you to help get him more involved in his own life:

- Search for adult day care or senior centers where he could go and socialize with others his own age. Check them out yourself to see what is a suitable fit for his interests.

- When you mention a referral for therapy for him, do you mean emotional therapy? I think he would benefit more from a physical therapist. Someone to put him through some easy exercises - and to give him a little attention.

- You are running around doing too much while he sits and watches from his chair. Take a few minutes to plan some "chores" he can help with. If there is something he is capable of doing and it reduces your burden, ask him to help!
Honestly, it doesn't even matter how helpful he is to you, even giving him "busy work" just to keep him occupied would give you a little breather.

Here are some easy chore ideas; have him fold laundry, or just fold towels. Get out the vacuum for him and ask him to vacuum a room or two. Have him retrieve the mail, and sort all the bills into one pile. Have him feed the dog and take the dog out for a walk.

- Search for a companion aide - it could be a volunteer or someone you would pay. Ask churches and senior organizations for referrals.

Here's another thought; your father may not be looking for more to do. He may be content to simply sit and watch. If he is asking you for your time and attention while you are busy, then it is time to give him some tasks to help out.

Your dad sounds like a cool dude. Their does not appear to be anything seriously wrong with him so I assume he is mentally and physically well although a bit cantankerous. Call him out on what he does and speaks. If you are too busy around the house that includes doing things for him, then stop doing those things he can do for himself. If he is telling you to do things for yourself then do them for example going for an evening out. Stop trying to find help for him until he asks for it. Throw sarcasms back at him if that is how he responds to you. Honor thy father and thy mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Your father is dishonoring you. Honoring does not mean being treated like a steppingstone or being belittling to someone. Parents are to be honored, and children are to be respected. You are doing more than just honoring your father and he must learn to understand that. I hope this offers some encouragement to you as you play out the role of the dutiful daughter. May all the Saints be with you.

I'm not sure how old your Dad is or what shape he is in.

However, a 77 year old guy who works with me at Target, was told on his 69th year, that if he didn't become more active, he would die of a heart failure within a year (he had no symptoms, however, heart disease was genetic.)

So, being single, he did what he had to do and found a job and he has been at Target for 7 years. He didn't try for Walmart as he didn't like the clientele there. At first, he helped stock the floor, which was at first very challenging, however, he started to feel better as his endurance and strength improved. After 3 years, he noticed that he was getting fewer hours, so he asked the bosses if there was another job that he could do that would keep him moving all the time and was not time-based. Now, for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, he restocks the shelves across various departments.

He interacts with customers as well as walks many times around the store restocking the shelves, during the prime hours of shopping. He said that it is the best thing that has ever happened to him as it provides humor and excitement, and also provides exercise and makes him feel like a valued employee. He walks an average of 5 miles during his workday. We love him as he allows us to do other things to keep the floor stocked, like climbing ladders and lifting heavier objects as well as stocking items on the shelf.

I don't know about your Dad, however, I'm not sure I could take someone who is emotionally taking me down, as I am trying to do the best that I can for the person.

Your Dad not wanting to go to therapy and thinking that it won't work....that's normal. However, trying to get him a purpose to his life....that is what we all need.