Dad is sitting in his chair all day while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off doing this that and the other thing. My therapist is recommending "retraining him" to more independence and autonomy, and while I agree, I am struggling with the way he is subtly guilting me out of one side of his mouth, while encouraging me to "go, do, be!" out of the other.
I've got asked for a referral to therapy for him, and he's grumbly about it... doesn't think it will do any good. But neither is sitting on his bum, ignoring the world outside, and having me as his only friend.
Is this something others have encountered? I'm planning on taking my therapist's advice, but in the mean time, his responses to "what are you gonna do while I'm gone tonight?" are becoming increasingly annoyed as he announces "just hang out with the dog, I guess!"
Thoughts and Ideas appreciated.
It is not your responsibility to make your father happy, and it is not within your control to make your father feel less lonely. People can be lonely even in a crowd.
If there is anything you are doing that your father can do himself, give him the opportunity to do it. I know this can be frustrating, because we see them struggling and think we can do it faster or better, however, this contributes to them feeling useless and makes them more dependent.
If he's someone who loves being waited on, and you don't enjoy it equally, it's time to step back and let him do things for himself that he's capable of doing.
Whenever he's guilting you, don't take the bait. If someone tried to make me feel guilty by saying they're just going to hang out with the dog, my response would be "that sounds wonderful - I'm jealous" (because one of my favorite things to do is hang out with my dog).
This made me smile 😊
It also demonstrates how different everyone feels about different things. One man's pleasure is another man's poison.
I want to reiterate AlvaDeer's message that this is your choice. Not because you have been in an abusive marriage and need to live with your dad, but because you are choosing to take your dad's misery onto your own shoulders. (I believe that's what AlvaDeer meant.)
You can't change anyone, except yourself. So, you need to change how you react to your dad's behaviour. You need to stop taking responsibility for how he feels and how he behaves. You need to create boundaries and build resilience.
Your responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. You owe your dad respect as a human and for anything that he may have done for you, but you don't owe him the rest of your life, and you don't owe him your happiness. You owe those things to you.
I suffer from chronic depression and I really struggle to do things for myself. Like you, I'm in therapy. I now have weekly sessions for CPTSD and depression.
Unlike your dad, I engage with therapy and I force myself to do things outside my comfort zone. It's hard, but I don't ever want to be a burden on my daughter, so I try every single day.
One of the first things I did when starting to rebuild my life was to enroll onto an assertiveness course. My doctor, back then, only offered antidepressants and I knew that I needed to change my behaviour and reframe the way I thought in order to get stronger, so I found the course run by a charitable organisation that helps people back into work.
I also tried CBT, which helped a little, but I needed more intensive therapy because of my long-term mental health condition. I couldn't afford psychotherapy, so I found help in books and online. That's where I learned about the importance of building resilience and taking responsibility for my own wellbeing.
Yes, I've been through child abuse and domestic abuse - that's on them, not me - but I'm still responsible for myself and I'm the only person who can help myself get better. I can't even wholly rely on my current psychotherapist (I finally got the help I knew I needed!) because she can't "fix" me. I need to actively engage with the therapy and I need to change how I think so that I can change my reactions to what life throws at me. Only that will help change how I feel.
That includes choosing to not allow others to make me feel bad for them or to make me feel guilty or make me fix them. And believe me when I say that my stepdad and a very close friend have been doing the same to me as your dad is doing to you - with bells on!
I chose to stop letting them. I had to because it was making me ill. I'm responsible for me, so I had to protect myself and not take on their self-imposed problems (even though they are also suffering from depression).
Don't get me wrong, I am there for them - I love them - but I expect them to also be there for themselves. I can't care more about their own wellbeing than they do themselves, so I now refuse to take it on.
This is the choice you are making. You're taking on your dad's misery and feeling that you have to change him. I'm sorry, but you can't. Not the way you're going about it, anyway.
My advice is to stop nagging him to change. If you ask what his plans are, just smile when he tells you and tell him to "enjoy!"
Live your life. Smile and laugh when you tell him about your plans or your day and what you and your daughter did on your walk, etc. Show him what happiness looks like. Feel it for yourself.
You only get one life, so make sure you live it.
You never know, but you might just end up helping your dad by example. And if you don't? Then you get stronger and you find happiness in your own life.
It’s Important to identify your values and your boundaries. That will help you not feel guilty. This ties in to what Gena says below about cognitive therapy. You already do a lot for him. And it is enough.
Your father is responsible for his happiness.
However, a 77 year old guy who works with me at Target, was told on his 69th year, that if he didn't become more active, he would die of a heart failure within a year (he had no symptoms, however, heart disease was genetic.)
So, being single, he did what he had to do and found a job and he has been at Target for 7 years. He didn't try for Walmart as he didn't like the clientele there. At first, he helped stock the floor, which was at first very challenging, however, he started to feel better as his endurance and strength improved. After 3 years, he noticed that he was getting fewer hours, so he asked the bosses if there was another job that he could do that would keep him moving all the time and was not time-based. Now, for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, he restocks the shelves across various departments.
He interacts with customers as well as walks many times around the store restocking the shelves, during the prime hours of shopping. He said that it is the best thing that has ever happened to him as it provides humor and excitement, and also provides exercise and makes him feel like a valued employee. He walks an average of 5 miles during his workday. We love him as he allows us to do other things to keep the floor stocked, like climbing ladders and lifting heavier objects as well as stocking items on the shelf.
I don't know about your Dad, however, I'm not sure I could take someone who is emotionally taking me down, as I am trying to do the best that I can for the person.
Your Dad not wanting to go to therapy and thinking that it won't work....that's normal. However, trying to get him a purpose to his life....that is what we all need.
It sounds like he lives with you (?)
You will probably have to help push him to do more, as he doesn't seem to know what steps to take. He just looks to you for to ease his boredom because you are the closest and easiest for him to access.
Here are some suggestions for you to help get him more involved in his own life:
- Search for adult day care or senior centers where he could go and socialize with others his own age. Check them out yourself to see what is a suitable fit for his interests.
- When you mention a referral for therapy for him, do you mean emotional therapy? I think he would benefit more from a physical therapist. Someone to put him through some easy exercises - and to give him a little attention.
- You are running around doing too much while he sits and watches from his chair. Take a few minutes to plan some "chores" he can help with. If there is something he is capable of doing and it reduces your burden, ask him to help!
Honestly, it doesn't even matter how helpful he is to you, even giving him "busy work" just to keep him occupied would give you a little breather.
Here are some easy chore ideas; have him fold laundry, or just fold towels. Get out the vacuum for him and ask him to vacuum a room or two. Have him retrieve the mail, and sort all the bills into one pile. Have him feed the dog and take the dog out for a walk.
- Search for a companion aide - it could be a volunteer or someone you would pay. Ask churches and senior organizations for referrals.
Here's another thought; your father may not be looking for more to do. He may be content to simply sit and watch. If he is asking you for your time and attention while you are busy, then it is time to give him some tasks to help out.
It may be time for you to consider more on what would make you happy or at least less stressed and concentrate on putting those things in place. Caregivers need breaks and time for themselves.
If he has any interests, all the better to hook him in. Gardening? flowers? art? puzzles? Whatever he once enjoyed, see if an/other/s can encourage these things. Slowly. No pushing.
Perhaps once you realize that another person cannot guilt trip you, you will be able to make a choice in how you feel to this (your) automatic response. If 100 people were in your shoes, there could / would be 100 different responses. I do not mean to under-estimate the pull of feeling guilt - although it will help you to separate out his behavior/responses to you and your own feelings.
And, guilt, along with lots of other feelings are often deep rooted in the relationship over decades, if not since you were a child - and now you are triggered by him. While this is understandable, you need to realize that you can shift your feelings.
One way I would do it:
When you feel guilt, consider your automatic response.
Then, ask yourself: "how can I reframe my response / automatic feelings just now?"
By just asking yourself this question, you are opening the door to shifting how you feel. This, in part, is COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY... which I've found invaluable over the decades. Google it. There are incredible DVDs available - used to be offered through The Great Courses, which is closed now although these DVDs are readily available on line.
I would write this down (different brain pathways work differently when thinking and writing). Have three (or more) columns:
What he said
My automatic response (feeling)
My reframing (feeling/thoughts).
Sounds like you really need to get some help in there so you can have some down or off time. We all need respites.
Perhaps you are grieving for him and what he is losing.
Perhaps you've never felt 'good enough' and playing out this 'self-image' / self assessment without realizing it. Awareness is the path to change. It is the first step - which includes SELF COMPASSION.
It sounds like he is both frustrated, angry, depressed. We do not know what his medical or psychological issues are. Perhaps medication assessment would help him. Its horrible to be depressed, in pain, unable to do what one wants to do, esp as one ages. Its hard for any one of us to be in this state. Who here hasn't experience all this?
If I were you, I would consider giving myself some 'room' (mentally, emotionally and psychologically) realizing that he can and IS making his own decisions. It is then a matter of you letting go ... realizing you did / doing all you can. You are NOT responsible for his decision making for himself IF he is considered medically of sound mind.
Explore some separation from him. All (?) your feelings / behaviors are bound up in / intertwined in his decisions, feelings, etc. By doing some of the above, you will give yourself some room. Figure out how to unbundle step by step... All through self-compassion.
Gena / Touch Matters
You have no obligation to keep your Dad busy and happy. That is his responsibility.
I know the tremendous tasks you are facing as you build your confidence and change into a version of yourself that you like and respect.
Have you told your Dad that your emotional plate is full dealing with the aftermath of your divorce, your daily needs of your daughter and your Mom in memory care?
If not, you should. Let him know that in order for this living situation to work well for both of you, you will need his help. Then give him a few daily tasks that he can do that would actually help you. Maybe it's helping your daughter with something when she gets out of school, or doing a load of laundry, or prepping a salad for dinner. Something. I am hoping that being honest with him and letting him know that you need his help now will change the dynamic.
I would remind you that you have a certain attachment style with your father from growing up as a child. Has your father dealt with you this way from little on? Giving you two different messages does not give you the freedom to decide for yourself.
I do not like the word 'retraining'. I think of this in terms of a dog or maybe small child but not an elderly adult parent. Can you think of it in terms of 'setting boundaries'? What I mean is set boundaries for yourself not on the other person.
Remember you can never change another person but only yourself. My therapist had we write down and repeat, "I am not responsible for other emotions, responses, or choice? I have agency and they have agency." Now the challenge is what do you need to do?
You mentioned that "you run around like a chicken with his head cut off". What do you mean by this? Do you really make decisions for yourself or are you letting others decide what you should or should not do? It's hard to learn to make one's own decisions. I know this has been a huge challenge for me.
Have you seen the movie Runaway Bride? In the story Julia Roberts' character changes how she likes to eat her eggs depending on who she is dating. Finally she sits down and decides for herself how she likes to eat her eggs.
What would you like to see your relationship with your Father to be? It isn't up to him to change but for you to decide what you want and how to go about setting your own boundaries.
Saying all this, it is hard work and it is a process!!!I suggest you work with your therapist or maybe a different therapist on how you can make your own decisions and best set boundaries with your Father and others around you.
You can do it with the help of others. Be courageous!
I am in the same boat as you with my husband. My therapist has told me over and over that I am not in charge of his "entertainment". We live in a very rural community with very limited resources/services. I used to expend a lot of energy trying to meet his "entertainment" needs, but it somehow always backfired, or he refused. He has more health issues than your father, so he is limited on what he can/can't do. But I have continued telling him that he needs to try to stay as independent as possible if he wants to remain at home. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Good luck to you and I empathize with you. Six years of living with this takes a toll. I'm just now learning to have my boundaries with him.
What about a day or morning respite program where your dad is picked up and brought to a center they have activities lunch other people. Try to find one in the neighborhood. Start out with just one morning per week and see how it goes.
I know it 's hard because you have so much to think about all the time but these places are needed.
It’s clear how much you care, and I want to say first that you’re doing so much already. I know this situation is complicated—you’re trying to give him space to be more independent, but at the same time he’s leaning on you in ways that feel both subtle and heavy. That push-and-pull is very real, and it’s completely normal to feel conflicted.
Therapy can absolutely help, especially if he warms up to it over time. But there are also other ways to support him in the meantime—small things that can gently nudge him toward more autonomy and purpose. Here are a few ideas that have worked for me in a similar situation:
1. Create a Simple Routine
Even a loose schedule—meals at the same time, a walk in the morning, a small task after lunch—can give him structure and a sense of control.
2. Encourage Purposeful Activities
This could be something like sorting old photos, helping with small chores, watering plants, or prepping part of dinner. If it feels like it “matters,” it can help him feel useful rather than idle.
3. Give Him a Role
Sometimes assigning a task (“Can you be in charge of making sure the dog gets walked at 4?”) helps someone feel more needed and less sidelined.
4. Reframe the Alone Time
You might gently shift the narrative from “you’re leaving him” to “he gets his own time.” Some people respond well to something like, “Enjoy the peace and quiet—I’ll be back at 9.”
5. Light Social Touchpoints
Even a quick check-in from a neighbor, a phone call with an old friend, or a short visit from someone else can ease the pressure on you to be his only connection.
These aren’t cures, but sometimes just one or two small changes can help someone feel more engaged.
You really are doing your best in a very tough situation, and I admire how thoughtful you’re being about all of it.
Guilt is when your behavior conflicts with your values. The options to rid yourself of the guilt are either adjust your actions or adjust your values.
Do you need to please your father's every wishes?
Perhaps you could make clear to your father what you are capable and willing to do. Then have a discussion with him, if that seems like it could be useful.
I think there is a way to be empathetic without feeling guilty. I'm not saying it is always easy, particularly with people we are close to, but setting boundaries can be very helpful for everyone concerned.
Guilt is something you need to move away from. Its an unhealthy emotion and pointless. You do what you can - and thats the end of it. Best wishes.
The way I see it caregivers are responsible for care and safety. If he sits on his bum all day, so be it.
Stop feeling guilty and thinking you need to solve all his problems and tap dance to keep him happy.
She/he should have long ago explained to you that guilt requires causation. That you cannot take on guilt for something over which you do not have control, didn't cause and cannot cure. That is quite basic. Are you certain there is some sort of psychology degree going here?
Words that you tell your own head have great power. The therapist should have explained that to you as well. Using the wrong word cements into your brain the wrong self-diagnosis and it does self-harm. Which makes you "your own worst enemy; because who needs DAD for that?"
The G-work you want is "grief". Grief that you are mired in habitually behavior, and both you and Dad are in misery because of a refusal to try different pathways.
You are in far too fragile a state mentally at this time to be dealing with a man who has likely manipulated you like a puppet your entire life, in my own opinion. Many parents, like your Dad, simply weren't capable of good parenting. That you choose to stay there IS a kind of self harm. I wish that your therapist were a good deal more blunt and honest with you, because I think you are following life-habits formed over many years.
You are, as I said, now an adult. Whatever harm was done to you as a child is very sad, and something you will carry as a memory for the rest of your life, but staying mired in old habits and ways of responding? THAT is YOUR CHOICE. When such a Dad said to me, "So what are you going to do the rest of your night" I would have about 40 responses at the ready, all delivered gently, and with a smile and a laugh. Try these on for size:
"Well, I have about thirty invites for dinner. Going to close my eyes and choose one, and have a swell time".
"Thought I would binge watch the old Sopranos program, starting with Season One"
"Enjoy the silence"
"Plan my move to Alaska"
"Look at Cruise brochures. How about you?"
Your therapist is correct that your father is being enabled by you.
And that is something you, as an adult, are choosing to do. No one "guilts" you. You do that to yourself.
As to being with Dad so frequently? Remember the old saying that gets kicked around here often: "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions".
When you are able to respond to your father's habits and manipulation with a sad smile and get on with your OWN LIFE, you will know you are OK.
This.
I would like to gently push back on this being my "choice". NONE of this is what I am choosing. In carrying out his moving in with me, in living with a depressed, self imposed recluse, lonely man who is waiting for a magic pill to make his life different. I DO have a choice in how I respond to this situation, and how I move forward in it, and that is what I am trying to do. My husband DIVORCED ME over the last year, and because of our choices for me to stay home with our children and educate them, I was not LEGALLY allowed to get a job. The exact same time that all of that was going on, my mom declined into dementia until she and dad couldn't care for their home. Because I couldn't rent a place (no credit history, no job, no "three months rent in my bank account", the awful, horrible, no one wants to do this but it's the only option choice was made to move them in with me. I knew that this was going to be like this to some extent, and had no crazy ideas that he would suddenly want to be the man about town and never be home.
That said, I am learning what it means to "get on with my own life" after 18 years in a marriage so subtly abusive that I didn't even know I was being hurt. I put myself aside for others to the point of mental, emotional, and physical degradation, and am only JUST learning that the boundaries I've been trying to set for years have been largely sabotaged by my own fear of making others mad or getting retaliation from those I've set them with... My dad is NO EXCEPTION. He is a child, and that is where my therapists words came from. "treat him like a ten year old." But that is hard, when I'm looking at a capable but unwilling MAN that I can't send to his room.
Dad isn't asking what I'm going to do. I'm asking him what he wants HIS days to look like so that I'm not worrying about him... like you said... I can't do that. So, I'm finding him a therapist. I'm reminding him that he is capable of calling the senior center or asking me to take him there, I'm leaning into leaving him alone and reminding him that he is fully capable of figuring out how to use a microwave to make himself lunch.
But it's all new on top of my own relearning.
Thank you for your words. They are helping me reframe my attitudes and responses.
"I'm thinking about a snack, would you like to get one for yourself?" and "I would appreciate it if you would rinse your dishes when you put them in the sink.", but he wasn't even aware that he's doing less now than he was when he lived with my mom. He even put me in PLACE of my mom this morning when I asked him to explain something he'd said and got really upset when I told him I wasn't her and wouldn't be her.
I'm so grateful for the continued encouragement. It has been and continues to be, toxic with my parents. I knew that moving him in with me was NOT IDEAL. I even told my therapist that I was scared to do it, but don't feel I had any other choice. I wasn't wrong, but unless he moves to assisted living, which he will guilt me for all of eternity for doing, because I'm shunting him off because he's a burden, this is our reality.
So try to remember, you did not cause this, this is poor planning on your dad, you deserve a life, with no guilt!!
He's going to a therapist as soon as I can find one for him. I am done bearing the burden of his choices, and I think this conversation is turning less into a "how do I manage my guilt" situation and more of a "how do I find the strength to have appropriate boundaries" conversation.