Suggestions on manging the guilt I feel over my elderly foather being lonely?

You are responsible only for your happiness.

Your father is responsible for his happiness.

Stop asking what he will be doing. Wish him a lovely evening and go.

Yes, I also experience this! I have researched and suggested 10,000 things including touring senior centers, calling volunteer places, writing off for available resources, suggesting volunteer options, hobby clubs…. Etc etc etc. and realized my mom accepted maybe 1% or less of my suggestions. Then I realized I was essentially beating my head against a wall. If/when a new complaint or problem arises, I try to limit myself to one or two ideas and then just let her complain and maybe say “oh that sounds difficult” or “hhmm” and remind myself “there she goes again. Problem is not of my making and not mine to solve.” And “this too shall pass.”

It’s Important to identify your values and your boundaries. That will help you not feel guilty. This ties in to what Gena says below about cognitive therapy. You already do a lot for him. And it is enough.

Birdee24: Prayers forthcoming.

Own your life and let your dad "own" his life. You are responsible for your happiness, planning your life and living your life. As much as possible, allow your dad to do the same. Feel free to share ideas with him but don't get emotionally worked up if he rejects the majority of ideas you find.

Your father is an adult who can do things for himself. If he has problems, he requires professional help.

Birdee, you have some excellent words of wisdom in answer to your question. Unfortunately, you may need to change your own thought processes in order to truly take on some of this excellent advice.

I want to reiterate AlvaDeer's message that this is your choice. Not because you have been in an abusive marriage and need to live with your dad, but because you are choosing to take your dad's misery onto your own shoulders. (I believe that's what AlvaDeer meant.)

You can't change anyone, except yourself. So, you need to change how you react to your dad's behaviour. You need to stop taking responsibility for how he feels and how he behaves. You need to create boundaries and build resilience.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. You owe your dad respect as a human and for anything that he may have done for you, but you don't owe him the rest of your life, and you don't owe him your happiness. You owe those things to you.

I suffer from chronic depression and I really struggle to do things for myself. Like you, I'm in therapy. I now have weekly sessions for CPTSD and depression.
Unlike your dad, I engage with therapy and I force myself to do things outside my comfort zone. It's hard, but I don't ever want to be a burden on my daughter, so I try every single day.

One of the first things I did when starting to rebuild my life was to enroll onto an assertiveness course. My doctor, back then, only offered antidepressants and I knew that I needed to change my behaviour and reframe the way I thought in order to get stronger, so I found the course run by a charitable organisation that helps people back into work.

I also tried CBT, which helped a little, but I needed more intensive therapy because of my long-term mental health condition. I couldn't afford psychotherapy, so I found help in books and online. That's where I learned about the importance of building resilience and taking responsibility for my own wellbeing.

Yes, I've been through child abuse and domestic abuse - that's on them, not me - but I'm still responsible for myself and I'm the only person who can help myself get better. I can't even wholly rely on my current psychotherapist (I finally got the help I knew I needed!) because she can't "fix" me. I need to actively engage with the therapy and I need to change how I think so that I can change my reactions to what life throws at me. Only that will help change how I feel.

That includes choosing to not allow others to make me feel bad for them or to make me feel guilty or make me fix them. And believe me when I say that my stepdad and a very close friend have been doing the same to me as your dad is doing to you - with bells on!

I chose to stop letting them. I had to because it was making me ill. I'm responsible for me, so I had to protect myself and not take on their self-imposed problems (even though they are also suffering from depression).

Don't get me wrong, I am there for them - I love them - but I expect them to also be there for themselves. I can't care more about their own wellbeing than they do themselves, so I now refuse to take it on.

This is the choice you are making. You're taking on your dad's misery and feeling that you have to change him. I'm sorry, but you can't. Not the way you're going about it, anyway.

My advice is to stop nagging him to change. If you ask what his plans are, just smile when he tells you and tell him to "enjoy!"

Live your life. Smile and laugh when you tell him about your plans or your day and what you and your daughter did on your walk, etc. Show him what happiness looks like. Feel it for yourself.
You only get one life, so make sure you live it.
You never know, but you might just end up helping your dad by example. And if you don't? Then you get stronger and you find happiness in your own life.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." This quote is attributed to Abraham Lincoln, and I think it's right on.

It is not your responsibility to make your father happy, and it is not within your control to make your father feel less lonely. People can be lonely even in a crowd.

If there is anything you are doing that your father can do himself, give him the opportunity to do it. I know this can be frustrating, because we see them struggling and think we can do it faster or better, however, this contributes to them feeling useless and makes them more dependent.

If he's someone who loves being waited on, and you don't enjoy it equally, it's time to step back and let him do things for himself that he's capable of doing.

Whenever he's guilting you, don't take the bait. If someone tried to make me feel guilty by saying they're just going to hang out with the dog, my response would be "that sounds wonderful - I'm jealous" (because one of my favorite things to do is hang out with my dog).