Dad is sitting in his chair all day while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off doing this that and the other thing. My therapist is recommending "retraining him" to more independence and autonomy, and while I agree, I am struggling with the way he is subtly guilting me out of one side of his mouth, while encouraging me to "go, do, be!" out of the other.
I've got asked for a referral to therapy for him, and he's grumbly about it... doesn't think it will do any good. But neither is sitting on his bum, ignoring the world outside, and having me as his only friend.
Is this something others have encountered? I'm planning on taking my therapist's advice, but in the mean time, his responses to "what are you gonna do while I'm gone tonight?" are becoming increasingly annoyed as he announces "just hang out with the dog, I guess!"
Thoughts and Ideas appreciated.
Is there an Adult Day program in your area? If so get him enrolled in that. Typically they come and pick a participant up in the morning and bring them home in the late afternoon. A breakfast, lunch, snack are provided. There are activities sometimes outings. Many also have art therapy, music therapy as well.
If there are things that need to be done around the house give him a few tasks that he has to do. This will give him some motivation.
Sitting around and not being interested can be a sign of depression so you should talk to his doctor about that possibility. In many cases a referral for depression is not necessary and most therapists will try to get someone in in a very short period of time, they do not want to delay treatment if there is a possible mental illness. (this includes depression)
Here we are 8+ years later, she is in assisted living, and guess who ruined my entire morning today with her phone calls? She's sad, lonely, and wants to move (again... this is her third assisted living facility in 5 years). She is waiting for some magical event to bring her happiness. It drains me. The stress of it all, shouldering so much for two needy parents.
First it damaged my mental health. Then it damaged my career. Then it damaged my marriage. And then guess what? I was diagnosed with cancer in 2024 (age 57). After chemo and surgery, it appears I will be OK. Guess who has already forgotten about that? My mom who calls me multiple times per day to dump her unhappiness on me. So set your boundaries before it's too late!
This is all too familiar.
Like others have said, you don't have to do for him. Do not disable him. If he can make a sandwich, then don't you. Whatever his is capable of, he does it. When my Mom stayed with my sister for 8 months during her chemo treatmemts we found how much Dad could do for himself that Mom had done for him. He was 69 and on disability for 17 yrs. I and my Uncle checked on him but he was on his own the rest of the time. He lived.
You have a lot on your plate. Your daughter is #1. Getting a job if you don't have one yetbis a priority because your Social Security future earning are important. Dadvneed to know he is thevthe center of your world.
I wanted to add: try not to feel guilty. You are doing the best that you can.
"If I'm such a burden"... No. You aren't. But I'm not structuring my life around a lazy capable grown man either, and your attitude is guilt inducing... so stop it.
We go places and his back pain makes him wince and whinge... he tells other drivers what to do.... it's infuriating.
The sitter knows how to play checkers, work the TV remote, and take dad for a ride in the car. The dog can't do any of those things.
You and dad need more time apart. Consider divorcing him. You never signed on to be his dog-and-pony show in the first place. Good luck with making the changes you need! Stop thinking so much and DO!
And while your profile doesn't say that you're living with your parents, the fact that you put your post under "Multi-generational Living" tells me you are.
Your father seems quite content to just sit and be and hang out with his dog, so why does that bother you so? You do NOT have to be at his beck and call, yet you choose to be and then get mad at him because you haven't learned how to use the word NO yet.
It's time to teach your father how to order his own groceries to be delivered and how to call for an Uber if he needs to go somewhere, that is if he's not driving anymore.
And then it's probably time to think about moving out and letting him figure out life by himself, or with your mother if she's still in the home. You can still check on him/them once a week if you want to, but I certainly wouldn't do anymore than that, as it really doesn't sound like he needs you to be there full-time anyway. Or at least by what you've shared.
As long as you continue to enable your father he will never step up tp do for himself. So let's start today by using that 2 letter word NO when he wants you to do something for him that he can do for himself, and see just how much better you will feel.
And the fact that you say in your profile that your parents didn't plan for their retirement well, does NOT mean that you are their retirement plan. If money is an issue then they'll have to apply for Medicaid and if your mother is still in the home with dementia, she may in time have to be placed in a Medicaid facility.
You are NOT responsible for your parents. Apparently your sister has already figured that out by moving many miles away.
Now it's your turn to figure that out as well.
I wish you well in doing just that.
Yes, I live with my dad and my teenage daughter (when she's not at her dad's). Mom moved in with us early June only to go to memory care for dementia with Lewy bodies within 24 hours of that move. Dad has been largely catered to by her for over a decade, and can name off all the things he's not in control with, his health issues, etc. I didn't expect this to be a walk in the park, but I also didn't expect to get this much pushback on him doing ANYTHING to better himself or live a full life of his own volition. That's shame on me, quite honestly. The issue is that he's SHOWING his discontent, even tho he's SAYING he's "fine." Some of that mind reading and guilt on my part comes from 18 years in a toxic abusive marriage that just ended 3 months ago for me, so I'm learning new patterns too. He's content to do the things I offer him, SOMETIMES, but then is demanding about HIS NEEDS when things get at all uncomfortable. My situation financially is not stable enough TO move out on my own... blame my ex and the decisions we made together to have me be a stay at home parent...
There's a lot here... thanks for listening and giving your thoughts.