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Today I visited my father in assisted living. When I got there he told me my nephew was coming over with his girlfriend, someone I never met before but I heard they were very serious. So they arrived I smiled and welcomed the young lady like I would anyone and she immediately turns to my nephew and says "Oh yea, I definitely wouldn't want her to handle anything for me.” I was shocked! Just by looking at me she can tell that? I didn't say anything to anyone. I just let them visit with my father. The got the grand tour and looked at some photos and left. Thank goodness. I hope to never see that person again.



This is what I put up with in my family! Obviously the young couple discussed me and the woman said this out loud? Is my nephew nuts for going out with her? Yes! If I did that to my aunt or uncle I would have been severely punished without question.



I know this has nothing to do with care giving per se but it is related in that I try my best to keep a distance from my brother yet this kind of a thing happens.



What would you do?

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Actually this is the kind of thing that begins an emotional WWIII in families. I think it's wise to entertain the possible notion that sometimes our parents contribute to this sort of "under the table banter". My parent LOVES to say one thing to my siblings, each gets a different account/story on daily scuttlebutt at the facility, and I get a different one altogether. There have been issues of a sort of "conquer and divide" in the past, and the way my spouse and I deal with it is to completely ignore it.
Family can really add to the burden. We try to actually stay separate from anything involving parental commentaries UNLESS it involves decision making which would involved my siblings. My parent has caused some flare ups with staff/sibling communication. We're not having it. The goal is to keep on keeping on. You should too. You have a choice - you can confront your nephew and ask him what she meant, or you can decide that a very emotionally stunted person blurted out some emotional ignorance and change the channel. It really isn't your problem. Lift your head up, and rise above it.
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Lisa, you told us months ago you were going to move away.

THIS is why you should do that.
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Cut off all contact with your a-hole family. I would have called the B out on her rudeness. Seriously who says that to someone they just met.
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againx100 Oct 2023
I wish I was quick enough to call people out when they are being total jerks! I'm usually so pissed off that I can't think straight enough. But I think this little girl could have benefited from a verbal spanking! Geez some people are just damn rude.
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Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.....when are you ever going to get a life and quit boring us with your tales of woe? And get the mental health therapy that you so desperately need?
The very fact that you find fault in literally everything and everyone, should have you running not walking to the nearest therapist.
And we here on this forum are not your therapists. And thank God we're not as you don't listen to any of us anyway.
Until you actually get the help you so desperately need, your life will continue on this downward spiral. It's just a shame that you don't yet realize that.
Maybe someday huh?(although I for one won't be holding my breath on that)
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Here's what I wouldn't do: Ask for relationship advice and sympathy from an anonymous online group focused on caregiving, when what you are looking for has little to nothing to do with caregiving. If you're not seeking therapy and moving away, which many here have repeatedly advised, perhaps you might be better served by an online group more focused on your emotional and family dynamic issues. Counseling and therapy would be best, possibly even group therapy.
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MeDolly Oct 2023
Everyone keeps responding so she gets her fix, she will continue, comes around every 3-4 weeks, like clockwork. I hope that she gets the therapy she needs.
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Lisa,

I am sure that you were taken aback by your nephew’s girlfriend’s remark. Who wouldn’t be surprised by such a comment?

I am sorry that this was an unpleasant experience for you. You don’t know her. She doesn’t know you. Her opinion of you doesn’t really matter.

Don’t allow her to have a place of importance in your heart.

People will think and believe what they want to believe and you can’t convince them otherwise. So, don’t waste your time and energy on trying to defend yourself in this particular situation. Unless you truly want to speak your mind.

Obviously, they have discussed you amongst themselves and it is quite apparent that they don’t approve of you which is all the more reason not to bother with them.

Sometimes the kindest thing that you can do for someone is to stay away from them and it’s also the kindest thing that you can do for yourself.

Let it go. Live your life. Check in on your dad if you like and don’t try to fix something that isn’t fixable. I’m sorry that there isn’t harmony in your family.

Maybe there’s just too much water under the bridge. Not all relationships are mended. Find other relationships that will be meaningful in your life.
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lisatrevor Oct 2023
Thank you so much. Your advice is so kind and rings so true. It's very hard to let go of people who you loved. Their behavior towards me is something I never ever could have thought possible. I'm on my way however to being focused more on my career and I plan on creating a life that is more in tune with what I want, rather than what others want from me and for me.
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It happened.
Feel upset.
Then move on with your day.

What's the alternative?

Ruminate & continue to feel bad.
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Lisa, don't try to figure out your family's dysfunctionality any place but in a therapist's office.

This site is replete with folks who thought they were part of functional families because they themselves never made any demands or asked for consideration of their feelings.

The moment you stepped acqiesing, they stopped being nice to you.

Move on. Move. Get away from this toxicity.
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I am with funkygrandma. This should be an eye opener for you. Maybe its not your family that is the problem, maybe its you. I have followed you from day one. Some people have been downright blunt with you and it just seems to go over your head. You just keep coming back for more. You nit pick everything. Yes, the GF was rude and should have made the comment after she left ur home. But her saying it should make you think. Maybe the problem is me not them. There is something you do that makes family treat you the way they do. You need to find out what it is and work on the problem. I would go to your SIL. Tell her you need her to be honest because YOU need to fix this. Be ready for brutal honesty. Then take that info and see a therapist.
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Why would I do anything about this? Stupid people are stupid people. The end.
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