Today I visited my father in assisted living. When I got there he told me my nephew was coming over with his girlfriend, someone I never met before but I heard they were very serious. So they arrived I smiled and welcomed the young lady like I would anyone and she immediately turns to my nephew and says "Oh yea, I definitely wouldn't want her to handle anything for me.” I was shocked! Just by looking at me she can tell that? I didn't say anything to anyone. I just let them visit with my father. The got the grand tour and looked at some photos and left. Thank goodness. I hope to never see that person again.
This is what I put up with in my family! Obviously the young couple discussed me and the woman said this out loud? Is my nephew nuts for going out with her? Yes! If I did that to my aunt or uncle I would have been severely punished without question.
I know this has nothing to do with care giving per se but it is related in that I try my best to keep a distance from my brother yet this kind of a thing happens.
What would you do?
Really! Why is brother still being a pain? He has what he wants. Dad is in AL and you are there. He can travel, do whatever he wants. Your there for Dad while he is gone. Its a shame Dad does not stick up for you but maybe he is just tired, sick and has no energy. You really, though, need to learn to let things go. Just stay out of your brothers way. You don't have to always be right. I so hope you don't complain to Dad, he really doesn't need it. Your there for Dad. You cannot control what brother and nephew think. Except that any relationship u had with brother and family is gone for whatever reason. Your there for DAD. Do your job, go see Dad then home. Maybe find some things you can do after work. Pick ur battles.
When I was a kid and complained about something or someone to Mom, she asked "what did you do". Maybe you should ask yourself this when u have a conflict with brother. Did you do or say something to set him off. If so, don't do it again. Even if you were right, don't do it again. Your there for Dad. Keep everything copacetic for Dad. The girl was rude, chalk it up to age if she is young and that people feel they are entitled to say whatever they want today. Maybe you can have a "look" you can give people like her and walk away.
When the nephew came to visit, you should have said Hi and then say "while you visit, I am going outside for some fresh air" or "look Dad visitors, so I think I will just leave and let you visit ".
My brother has the POA. There are ongoing things, in addition to writing a monthly check, that my brother can only legally do, at least he thinks he can only do and must do. He resents that it's "all on him". Again that's what he thinks. I told him at the start that I would do all that I could to assist. PLUS he's being vindictive to all that has happened in the past several months. One thing he's really, really good at is imitating me when he sees I'm in discomfort or pain. Months ago, I think I described this situation on this forum, I had been cleaning my father's house for hours. My brother came in when I was bending down, I stood up and kind of held me back like "Ow. My back" and he mocks me by making an exaggerated face of the pain/discomfort I was in. He does when he can. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Talk about immaturity and abuse.
To some degree I believe my father is unaware but he has said more than once that he doesn't want discord in the family. It could be that my brother has told him that he has issues with me.
I want to say I don't care but with my brother I have concern that he will pull something behind my back, like he done over the last year or so. This time though it will be 100% vindictive.
In my earlier response, please know that I am not inferring that I know your father or brother better than you do, because I don’t.
My point was, I seriously doubt that your father is totally unaware of what has been going on.
Yeah, your dad may have listened to your brother’s point of view, just like he has heard your point of view. As parents though, we form our own opinions from what we witness with our own eyes.
Isn’t it possible that your dad has seen things in his children’s lives that you may not realize? Of course, he doesn’t want discord. Who wouldn’t want harmony in their family?
Most people don’t like being placed in the middle of things. It’s a very uncomfortable place to be. This is about you and your brother to figure out. You’re adults. Don’t involve your dad in this mess anymore.
If things can’t be worked out between you and your brother, then it’s best to move on. Focus on what matters to you. Let your brother figure out his life.
Agree to disagree with your brother and his family, then no one is stressed. It’s not important what others think. You can’t change the past but it is possible to heal from past hurt.
Again, I wish you all the best. You have the power and the choice to turn things around for the better. I truly hope that you do.
This site is replete with folks who thought they were part of functional families because they themselves never made any demands or asked for consideration of their feelings.
The moment you stepped acqiesing, they stopped being nice to you.
Move on. Move. Get away from this toxicity.
Being independent of them and being FAR away from them could be a good solution.
What I can't understand is, if I wasn't around what would they do? They would be in a worse situation because at least now I actually do a lot for my father where I am.
In any event I m considering of moving now that I know that my father is well cared for in a pleasant environment.
Likely I would have simply said "OK, well, nice to meet you".
And left. Yes, I would have ruminated on it for a bit, but after a couple hours? Probably wouldn't even remember it.
This is a person you don't know, who's been told things about you that are colored by their experience with you and true or not, she didn't need to say anything. But she did.
A couple of days later (If I was still mad/hurt) I would have a hundred great comebacks, but I'm generally not real swift in that department (thank goodness, if I had just said what I thought in all situations, nobody could stand me).
Let it go.
So this afternoon this is the conclusion I came to "My nephew (who has put me down in the past) has a serious relationship with someone who is objectionable. My nephew is objectionable. His father (my brother) and his wife are objectionable. It all makes sense. The fact that this happened should not have been shocking to me; it should have been expected.".
I'm totally over it now. Thank you for your reply. I have never said this to anyone but from your response you seem very similar to me. Not the same though. I would say to you "No, you should say what's on your mind regardless of the consequences. That's what gets the right things done." I should also do this a lot more.
I would have just said, “Wow, why did you just say that?” But understand the shock reaction that leaves you silent, like a gaping fish.
And I would venture to guess that the actual truth is NOTHING like what Lisa described.
The very fact that you find fault in literally everything and everyone, should have you running not walking to the nearest therapist.
And we here on this forum are not your therapists. And thank God we're not as you don't listen to any of us anyway.
Until you actually get the help you so desperately need, your life will continue on this downward spiral. It's just a shame that you don't yet realize that.
Maybe someday huh?(although I for one won't be holding my breath on that)
Feel upset.
Then move on with your day.
What's the alternative?
Ruminate & continue to feel bad.
I am sure that you were taken aback by your nephew’s girlfriend’s remark. Who wouldn’t be surprised by such a comment?
I am sorry that this was an unpleasant experience for you. You don’t know her. She doesn’t know you. Her opinion of you doesn’t really matter.
Don’t allow her to have a place of importance in your heart.
People will think and believe what they want to believe and you can’t convince them otherwise. So, don’t waste your time and energy on trying to defend yourself in this particular situation. Unless you truly want to speak your mind.
Obviously, they have discussed you amongst themselves and it is quite apparent that they don’t approve of you which is all the more reason not to bother with them.
Sometimes the kindest thing that you can do for someone is to stay away from them and it’s also the kindest thing that you can do for yourself.
Let it go. Live your life. Check in on your dad if you like and don’t try to fix something that isn’t fixable. I’m sorry that there isn’t harmony in your family.
Maybe there’s just too much water under the bridge. Not all relationships are mended. Find other relationships that will be meaningful in your life.
THIS is why you should do that.
Family can really add to the burden. We try to actually stay separate from anything involving parental commentaries UNLESS it involves decision making which would involved my siblings. My parent has caused some flare ups with staff/sibling communication. We're not having it. The goal is to keep on keeping on. You should too. You have a choice - you can confront your nephew and ask him what she meant, or you can decide that a very emotionally stunted person blurted out some emotional ignorance and change the channel. It really isn't your problem. Lift your head up, and rise above it.
a nice sweet laugh. "ha ha ha".
And Lisa, did this make you think at all that people are talking about you? Because, I mean, maybe they are. Not that you need CARE about that, because were it me, I wouldn't care a whit. But........................I mean..............It is worth some consideration. And seems you ARE considering it.
So, as the young folk today all say "it's all good". I mean, I think they are wrong. It ISN'T all good. But this makes me think that more of it is good than I once thought.
Oh, well.
Nevermind.