My husband is in great health. The only health issue he has is type 2 diabetes and it is controlled because I feed him healthy foods. He does not have any kind of cognitive decline and he is not an Alzheimer's patient or dementia patient. He has never been hospitalized for anything Thank you Jesus! My issue with him is, he just sits at home all day and doesn't want to go out or do anything anymore. We are not rich and he does not work. I work as a Spark delivery driver for Walmart. I am still young and still have a lot of life left in me and I want to go out and do things and see the world but all he wants to do is sit at home all day on his phone and not pay attention to me at all. This is my issue. I don't want to leave him at this stage in his life because this is the time he needs me the most. I was just needing some advice on how to deal with his unwillingness to go outside or to the store or anywhere. He just wants to stay at home and play on his phone. He is 75 and I am 5O. I got married to him when I was 33 and he was 57 and things were so different. We went to the beach and alot of places together and we had a lot of fun together And now that he doesn't work anymore he just wants to sit at home and play on his phone and ignore me. I just don't know what to do. It's very frustrating. Not to mention the fact that I walked in his room the other day and he was watching porn. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would help.
When you get some vacation time coming up, plan a trip with friends. If your husband isn't interested he'll stay home and look after the house.
You can of course decide to stay with him for other reasons; that is completely your decision. But again, do make sure that you have access to all financial accounts, that you are monitoring them carefully for any intentional or unintentional misuse of them by him, and that you are protecting your own financial future.
And yes, please go out and live your own life doing all the things you enjoy, with NO GUILT. We're rooting for you to have the enjoyable life you deserve. Let us know how things go.
someone watching porn in the next room.
He can get up and feed himself from now on, therefore no need for you to be home
when you have any chance to not be at home.
It is true that he may need a part-time caregiver or housekeeper to pick up after him, at his own separate expense-sometimes provided by his insurance.
You can learn what to do, step-by-step, as you make your own wonderful life, full of dignity, and surprised at the many blessings and peace that will come your way when you no longer support his toxic lifestyle.
Start keeping your income separate in your own account.
That is just a small part of self-care and self-protection
necessary for your health, sanity, and financial survival. imo.
No guilt.
Out of love and concern for his future, I would make sure his phone is regularly found in the toilet, out of service.
Be sure to research ALL the laws concerning porn, being in possession of photos of children, etc. and take action accordingly.
He is older, he is tired, and he is comfortable staying home.
I can relate to this. Over 20 years ago, when I was around 40, I lived with a man who was 20 years older than me. We had worked together, and he was smart, funny, charming at work. Once he retired and we moved to another state, he began to get lazy. He stayed in his sweatpants and shirt that he had slept in (in the recliner), made himself snacks without cleaning up, and said it hurt him to walk much, so we didn't go out exploring together. We lived in an area that had wonderful hiking trails and interesting stuff to do.
He didn't want to do any of it. I was still working, and he would message me while I was at work to tell me what's on TV tonight and where he wants to go for dinner, because he was anxious to get out of the house.
I suggested he find a part time job or volunteer activity to get out among people again. He didn't. I grew tired of coming home from work to clean up after him, wake up to clean again before going to work, because he fixed a snack over night. We weren't sleeping in the same room. We didn't do anything together, and I was young and active and felt like I was living with my grandpa. I chose to leave this relationship because I wanted to do so much more with my life.
At 45, not looking for another relationship, I found my wonderful husband.
We enjoyed many great adventures together before his stroke put an end to all that. Now I'm 63 and I can understand my former boyfriend's pain and reluctance to go out walking, as I hurt now. If we had been the same age, we would be much more compatible. But at the time, I made the right decision for me and I went on and lived life and enjoyed life for a few more years.
I'm not recommending you leave. You have stated that you don't wish to.
But don't count on him changing. You have to find a way to do the things you want in life - without including him.
You married a man old enough to be your father. Of course he will have age related problems or lack of energy while you’re still young and able. Surely you knew this would happen someday?
It sounds like you’ve been more of a caretaker than a wife for some time.
My point is, many senior women are thrust into situations of needing to recreate their lives on their own. It wasn't what they wanted when they made their marriage vows. But it happens because that's how life goes, regardless of what we want. You haven't seen it among your peers. But it's definitely there among your husband's peers. It's the risk you took by marrying someone a quarter-century older. Not saying that to be judgmental, just pointing out the reality.
Now the choice is yours. Do you go out and do the things you want to do on your own, or do you waste the time at home feeling sad and resentful?
Kristy, ask DH if he wants to stay married. Ignoring you is not okay. HE may be content but you aren't. A marriage needs to be a team effort, not you cooking his meals to keep him healthy while he sits around playing on his phone all day. Take a look at that phone and see if he's chatting up other women online. Ask him point blank.
75 year old men go on cruises in wheelchairs these days. 75 is not terribly old. There is something more going on with your DH than "exhaustion" here. It sounds like he has an online life you're completely unaware of. Many men do.
Have a Come To Jesus meeting. Find out what's in the cards for your future as a married couple. You've already given him decades of your life, and the crumbs he's throwing you now are UNACCEPTABLE. You are a precious wife who should be loved, respected and appreciated. Not ignored. If you are not going to be treated as a wife, then decisions have to be made, as uncomfortable as they may be. Keep YOUR best interests in mind please, not HIS. He's already gotten enough care and attention from you that he's squandered.
Life is short, my friend. We all deserve happiness and respect, including you. Think about that.
The way bigger problem, as I see it, is that you two simply don’t have the same interests anymore.
And if he does have the beginnings of cognitive impairment, all the more reason to know what he's doing on his phone "all day".
For over 20 years my parents volunteered 3 days a week at a local regional hospital, at the front information desk. They loved it. It gave Dad that purpose of having a schedule to do things.
If there is something that your husband had in interest in the past, maybe reintroduce him to that interest. Especially if there a chance to do volunteer work. Retirement isn't easy, I retired at 75 (not by choice, but covid took my boss, and the business closed). So I got interested in doing family trees, and now I am so engrossed in genealogy, I keep busy like it's a 9 to 5 job, but at home.
Get out there andvlive your life.
If you want to go somewhere go.
If you want to go on a cruise...tell him you are booking a cruise. You can book for two and he can sit on the ship and play on his phone while you go on excursions. Or he can stay home and you can go with a friend. His choice.
But....
you say he has no cognitive decline.....are you 100% sure about that?
Cognitive decline like many other diseases can be slow, insidious and goes unnoticed until you can no longer ignore the subtle changes.
Isolating, not wanting to engage with friends or do something "new" is common. You take someone out of their element and they do not know what to do or they are afraid that the things that they have been doing to hide decline will breakdown.
There is no reason that you have to stay home and rot just because your husband chooses to. You are still young and to be honest it sounds like you may not want to be in this marriage anymore, so I would talk to a divorce lawyer and see what your options are at this point.
And what did your husband say when you caught him watching porn, or were you not woman enough to ask him? I personally would NEVER tolerate my man watching porn, and would have to kick him to the curb if he didn't change.
You obviously were very young and naive when you first got married and now that reality has set in that yes your husband is 25 years older than you, it's not quite so fun anymore is it? Welcome to the real world.
”When we got married, I was 33 and you were 57. At that time, was my youth and enthusiasm for life and trying new things part of the attraction for you?”
I assume the answer is yes. Then you say, “I am now 50 —younger than you were on our wedding day. I still crave those things that you loved about me enough to marry me, but it seems like you no longer do. I need to do some of them sometimes, whether you go with me or not.”
You haven’t mentioned sex but I wonder whether that could be part of it too. What is sad to me is he is losing you on some level (even if you stay in the marriage) and either he isn’t aware or no longer cares. I’m not saying he has to take up skydiving at his age, but it’s sad that he won’t go for a walk in the park or the beach with you for goodness sake. Are there more home-based hobbies you both could enjoy? Gardening, puzzles, cards? Having friends over for dinner? In short, do you feel like saying to him “Hello! I’m here, I want to engage with you and with life!” Maybe couples therapy would help.
As others have said, maybe there is more going on with him. What did he enjoy in the early days of your marriage or even before you married him?
Maybe you could also say to him, “I feel like I have essentially become your maid and cook. Looking into the near future, on this trajectory I am on track to become your caretaker and nurse. It’s not the marriage I envisioned. Do you think it would wind up like this? Is this what you want?”
If nothing else, I think his replies will give you some clarity.
Good luck.
Even before I read down to that line, the thought that popped into my head is whether he has a porn addiction. Bingo.
He needs therapy. You both need couples counseling. If he won't go, then you have a decision to make. Do not stay with him because you think he's an infant and needs a Mommy to take care of him. If he doesn't own his diabetes management then that's his problem, not yours. It seems you are a Rescuer, which is dysfunctional. Start making him accountable for his actions and require him to do some self care so that he can fill some of those retirement hours. Don't enable him.
In what specific ways does your husband “need you the most” at this stage? If he ignores you, that’s not need.
Be aware that his apathy and watching porn might be the beginning of dementia. Or he might just need an antidepressant. Can you get him to try that?
Are all your financial affairs in order? Do you have POA for him, in case that becomes necessary? Does he have a will, and do you know what’s in it? Does you have access to all of his financial accounts, and all of those you share jointly? You should start monitoring them in case his mind is slipping, to make sure he isn’t making careless or rash mistakes.
You have lots of life ahead of you, but not an infinite amount. Start now to make the most of it for yourself, whether or not your husband participates. Keep us posted on how things are going.
Did he retire recently? How long has he been like this ? Is he depressed ? Or just content being at home ?
If he’s healthy and not depressed , this is an age gap marriage issue. Some people reach an age where they are happy to stay home.